i wish that i could wake up with amnesia
by bubblegumbrunette
Summary: Barry's reached his breaking point and wants nothing more than to just have time to himself except Leonard Snart refuses to leave him be, dragging up buried memories from the past. When a meta-human places a mental block on Barry causing him to effectively forget aspects of his life, Leonard Snart faces the fight of his life.
1. you can't cheat death

**The Flash**

 _'you can't cheat death when you're digging your own grave'_

The bar is dingy and the company is pretty shady but he can't find himself to care too much, even Leonard Snart needs a break from planning a meticulous heist. He's transfixed at the dark amber liquid in his small glass tumbler. His mind is oddly blank for the first time in a while as he listened to his group chatter amongst themselves and if he listened closely enough he could just about hear the soft music playing in the background. It's almost a content feeling, but it's not something he can quite grasp.

His mental peacefulness is broken seconds later when he's on the receiving end of a sharp elbow to the ribs from a burly man beside him, if Leonard's correct then the man's name is David Lestrange. There's a remark on the tip of his tongue about not laying any body part on him unless he wanted it to be frozen within a matter of seconds yet somehow the words didn't seem to come out when he noticed a figure sitting alone in the darker corner of the bar.

He's so out of place in the bar that words fail Leonard for a second.

"What?" Leonard asked, annoyance rang clear in his tone as his eyes briefly darted to the figure in the corner.

"Pretty boy over there looks lost," David said with a grin "I might… y'know, be a good citizen and help him home." He added, the emphasis on 'good' suggested that David had no intention of being helpful whatsoever.

Leonard glanced down at his whiskey before looking at Barry Allen sat in the corner before he brought his lips up in to a smirk because if David wanted to get his ass handed to him then that was something Leonard wanted to see.

* * *

March 18th was a date that would forever be burned into Barry's memory. How could he forget the date of when his whole life had been changed so dramatically in a matter of seconds?

He _could_ have saved her. Barry had _dreamed_ of the opportunity to save his mom and he'd had it. The moment had slipped from his fingers a second time and he could still hear his mom pleading with the Reverse-Flash, it haunted his dreams and made him feel sick to his stomach. Tonight was one of the rare moments he had where he wasn't working and Central City didn't need him to be The Flash.

The bar was so far out of where any of his friends would look for him that it was a perfect location for him to mentally sink in his guilt and sadness for one night. The hushed conversations of the groups within the bar and the music that was barely there was sort of background noise to Barry as he looked out of the rain stained grubby bar window and watched as strangers passed by huddled under their umbrellas on the dark streets of Central City.

Barry always tried to not solely focus on what he had lost ( _his mom, Eddie, Ronnie, the not Dr Wells_ ) but preferred to look at what he had gained ( _Iris, Joe, Cisco, Caitlin_ ).

Barry's pulled out of his thoughts and observations of the strangers passing by as he felt someone slide into the same booth as him. He moved his gaze from the dark dreary streets and to the gaze of Leonard Snart.

It takes a second for it to fully sink in that _Leonard Snart_ is sat opposite him, staring back at Barry with a slight smirk.

Barry exhaled "I'm really not in the mood for your games tonight," he said. He really wasn't either; Snart was all around bad news and had proved to be deceitful on numerous occasions. So Barry isn't too sure why he's always disappointed when Snart shows who he really is.

"Barry," Snart said in _that_ voice of his that Barry secretly loves the sound of "You're in my neck of the woods, I was just curious. Last time you was here, you was asking for my help." He added with a quirk of his lips.

Barry hadn't needed the reminder; he nodded his head forward slowly before huffing out an unamused laugh "Yeah," he said "a mistake I won't be repeating." He added as he moved his gaze to the orange illuminated streets again.

"I'm sensing some disappointment…" Snart said slowly with a hint of amusement lacing his tone.

Barry waited a couple of heartbeats before responding "I have a feeling you're familiar with people being disappointed in you," he commented.

"Ouch, kid." Snart laughed.

Barry exhaled softly as he prepared to move from the somewhat warm bar and make his way out to the wet and miserable night to either go home to his warm and comfortable bed or find another spot where he could swim to new depths of his misery in peace for one night. It's all he's asking for… one night to himself.

"Look, kid," Snart said filling the silence between them "if you're upset about-"

Barry stood up abruptly as he slipped his jacket on barely acknowledging Leonard Snart "I can't even have a drink in peace," he said more to himself in a mutter before he headed out of the bar without a glance back at his rival.

* * *

Leonard watched as Barry retreated out of the bar and headed down the street and pass a few trick or treaters, he cocked his head to the side as he murmured "Rude," yet he was intrigued about what could possibly be weighing so heavily on Barry Allen's mind.

"Let me guess," David said from behind him "you wasn't interested in him anyway." He added, his tone implying that it was the opposite way round.

Leonard moved his gaze to Barry's untouched drink as he said "Something like that,"

* * *

From his seat he could see the city lights which proved to be quite a sight; it eased his mind and even elevated his mood slightly. It wasn't often that he had time to himself to just sit and drink in the view of Central City at night.

"I was just wondering if you were aware how ill-mannered it is to walk out half-way through a conversation," A voice said from behind Barry.

Barry dropped his head forward and closed his eyes as another sigh passed through his lips, all he wanted was some peace and here Leonard Snart was. Barry manoeuvred himself so he could still see the city lights as well as Snart leaning against the door that led back into the building.

"You came all the way here to tell me that?" Barry asked whilst raising an eyebrow slightly.

Snart cocked his head to the side and shrugged his shoulders "That wasn't the only thing on the agenda," he said before pushing himself off of the door and walking towards Barry "you started this game; I only followed to finish it."

Somewhere below them a car came to a screeching halt before someone repeatedly honked their car horn followed by someone faintly shouting "YOU ASSHOLE!"

Barry frowned at Snart "I don't know what you're talking about Snart," he said, even Barry heard how tired he sounded.

Snart quirked his lips into a smirk "You come into _my_ bar," he said "you obviously wanted something."

Barry studied Snart for a couple of seconds "I wanted to be alone," he admitted softly "clearly you're on some mission to prevent that happening." He added.

"I know you better than that Barry," Snart said with a softness underlying his tone, Barry was aware of what he was referring to and found he wasn't in the mood to visit _that_ piece of their history.

Barry drummed his fingers on his leg "That was a long time ago," he said as he moved his gaze back to the somewhat quiet city below him.

Snart chuckled humourlessly at Barry's words "One hundred and fifty two days doesn't exactly count as a long time ago kid,"

"It feels like a lifetime ago," Barry said absently before remembering the road they were about to go down and physically shaking himself "I have to go." He added hurriedly before getting up and realising how cold he actually was.

* * *

It's not until Barry was back home and standing under a warm stream of water in the shower that he allows his tears to meld in with the water from the shower. He can only be so strong before he reaches a breaking point. Barry's surprised his breaking point was after being betrayed by someone he looked up to, being fooled into thinking Leonard Snart _actually liked him_ , losing Eddie as well as Ronnie, witnessing his mother's murder and not being able to stop it and his dad still being in Iron Heights.

He loved helping the people of Central City and making a difference in people's lives but when did he start sacrificing his own feelings for others? Barry is _allowed_ to feel no matter how rotten he felt right now and hated how it felt.

What Barry needed most was to sleep and to put thoughts of a certain Leonard Snart aside because he didn't need to be dragging those memories back to the surface.


	2. I know i'm finding it hard to breathe

**A/N: Hey everyone, so it occurred to me that I was in such an excited rush to publish my first ColdFlash story that I didn't do an author's note! I just want to say thank you all for the lovely reviews and that I hope you do bear with me with this. I'm currently studying at uni and working alongside my course so updates may vary but I will try and make sure there are regular chapters being posted. Also in this story all of S1 has happened but it's kind of going by _my_ timeline now.**

* * *

 _'I know I'm finding it hard to breathe and I've been drowning in my own sleep'_

 _"No!" his mom screamed "No!"_

Barry woke up breathing heavily and covered in sweat as his mom screaming "No," still rang clear in his mind. "Mom," Barry breathed out as he looked around his bedroom hoping to slow his racing heart. It was a dream, just a dream. He pulled himself up into a sitting position and ran a hand through his slightly sweat dampened hair.

Barry couldn't remember the last time he'd had a decent night's sleep. Even as Barry glanced at the time on the clock on his bedside table, he could already predict how his day would go, he'd go to his job at CCPD and then in the evening either track a meta-human or do a quick search of the city then he'd be back in bed to repeat it all again tomorrow.

* * *

The first thing Barry noticed as he walked through the crime scene was how confused all the bystanders seemed to be, one woman was gripping to a police officer looking frightened as she kept repeating "How did I get here?"

Barry moved to stand beside Joe who seemed to be deep in thought by the frown currently in place on his face "What's going on?" he asked as he glanced around the room once more at the confused bystanders and increasingly confused looking officers taking statements or consoling the people gripping to them looking terrified.

Joe ran a hand down his face as he shrugged "A robbery took place and _no one_ remembers what happened let alone how they got here," he said "It's as if the robbery is the least of their worries… they're all more concerned about how they got here…"

Barry frowned slightly "That'd be one hell of a stunt to pull," he said slowly "unless-" he started to add when Joe cut him off.

"Maybe STAR labs should look into this one," Joe said in a low voice "it definitely fits being unexplainable."

Barry nodded his head "I'll call Cisco and Caitlin," he said "I'll start looking for anything that can point us in the direction of who could have possibly pulled this off."

* * *

"A meta-human that can _induce_ amnesia, man I have so many questions like-" Cisco said and Barry could tell he was about to start rattling off a million questions that Barry had himself and was unable to provide any answer for which is why he cut Cisco off before he could even start.

"Cisco, is there any way we can track them down?" He asked as he paced around his lab "Joe's not had any luck with the CCTV and all the eye-witnesses don't remember a thing." He added before letting out a sigh.

There was a pause on the other end which suggested that it wasn't going to be as easy as he had previously anticipated "I don't know man," Cisco said sounding hesitant "we know next to nothing about this person, the best we can hope for right now is The Flash being there when the next robbery goes down."

"The next robbery?" Barry questioned.

"Yeah, if you could walk into anywhere, steal a bunch of expensive stuff or money and then make all the eye-witnesses forget it even happened and walk right out without anyone thinking twice… wouldn't you assume they'd do it again?" Cisco said.

Barry cocked his head to the side "I guess," he said "I know it's a lot to ask but-" he started to say when Caitlin cut him off.

"Don't worry, we're on it Barry." Caitlin said before the line disconnected.

Barry placed his phone on his desk and rubbed his eyes for a moment, there were some meta-humans that Barry had encountered where he'd wondered if anything could top their odd abilities such as being able to turn oneself into a poisonous gas or being a human bomb… but being able to induce amnesia seemed to be up there with the strangest of all the one's he'd encountered.

Maybe Cisco was right, maybe they would try again and perhaps it was too much to hope they would somehow slip up.

Eventually Barry managed to force himself to concentrate in order to get prints analysed and reports made for the other officers in the precinct and his super speed may have had a special part to play in some of it but it helped ease the workload piling up on his desk as well as keeping his mind occupied from everything that had been getting him down lately.

Captain Singh had looked surprised when Barry had walked into his office to hand him a report which he hadn't been expecting for another day, he looked like he was about to offer some form of praise until he said "Thanks Allen," and motioned for him to make his exit. It had been worth seeing the look of surprise on Singh's face though. Barry grinned his thanks in response before almost tripping out the Captain's office.

"Woah Bear," Joe said looking amused "you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," Barry said as he righted himself and internally hoped that no one other than Joe had witnessed his moment of clumsiness.

"I honestly wonder how you can trip over your own two feet and still manage to keep Central City safe from meta-humans," Joe murmured as they walked to his desk.

Barry chuckled "Thanks for the concern Joe," he said.

* * *

Leonard sat back in the arm chair and looked at the glass tumbler held lightly in his hand with the same dark amber liquid as the night before as his mind drifted back to the previous night and all those nights ago. He wasn't much of a drinker, he hated what it turned some people into but in the moment it was what felt an appropriate thing to pour himself.

If Leonard had one ultimate accomplishment in his line of business then he would tell people it was his ability to pull every heist off perfectly but on a personal level his ultimate accomplishment would be having gained Barry Allen's trust enough to be able to study the other to the point of watching Barry sleeping beside Leonard.

It wasn't an accomplishment though when it made Leonard feel shitty inside. It wasn't an accomplishment when he was the cause of Barry's _pain_ , adding to the betrayal.

"It's a bit early for that don't you think?" Lisa asked breaking Leonard from his thoughts briefly.

He glanced up at her before he returned his gaze to the tumbler in his hand again "Perhaps," he answered.

 _"Barry?" Leonard murmured softly as he looked down at the sleeping figure leaning against him "Barry?"_

 _"Hm?" was the response from a somewhat sleepy Barry._

 _"You're falling asleep," Leonard informed him in a whisper._

 _"Mm." Barry said before he started to snore softly leaning against Leonard._

It was random memories like that which pushed their way to the front of Leonard's mind to add to the shitty feeling inside. It was pretty ironic when Leonard thought of it really, how he had screwed over Barry but in doing that he had screwed over himself as well.

"Len are you even listening to me!?" Lisa questioned sounding similarly like a petulant child.

Leonard exhaled as he stood from the chair and placed the tumbler on the coffee table as he said "No," and then proceeded to leave the room with yesterday evening still playing on his mind.

* * *

His shift at CCPD had long since ended and here he was sat in a chair at STAR labs spinning around aimlessly because he was _bored_ "Are you guys sure you don't mind staying up and monitoring any robberies?" he asked for the fourth time since he'd arrived an hour and a half ago.

"It's no big deal man," Cisco said "it'll be like a stake out where pizza can be ordered." He added with a grin that could suggest he was actually looking forward to staying up all night.

Caitlin on the other hand pulled a face before she said "If it helps find this meta-human,"

"I hope so," Barry said as he contemplated doing a final sweep of the city before heading home to bed.

"Oh," Cisco said as he tapped on something on his computer screen "hold on… it looks like a silent alarm has been tripped."

"Could be our meta-human," Caitlin said sounding hopeful.

Barry was already on his feet and out of STAR labs with Cisco hurriedly telling him the location of the robbery. If there was anything joyful about running as fast as he could, it would definitely be the rush that ran through his veins as he felt the breeze on his face. Barry had almost overshot the location by a block as he allowed himself a moment to just feel the breeze whipping over his face. Coming to a stop inside the jewellery shop, Barry was immediately met with the sight of the sales assistant on the floor looking particularly confused about where they were.

"It's going to be okay," Barry assured her in a soft voice when there was a loud _crashing_ sound and another woman appeared. She was of medium height and definitely not what Barry had been expecting.

"Flash," She said sounding disdainful as she said his name.

"The one and only," he replied.

She cocked her head to the side "Do you ever wonder what the people of Central City would do if The Flash were to… _disappear_? Or perhaps _forget_ he was even The Flash? Can you imagine how much of a pain in the ass you've been for people like _me_?" she asked.

Barry resisted the urge to chuckle in case it provoked her "I have a pretty good idea," he said nodding his head lightly "but you don't have to do this." He added.

The woman looked surprised for a moment "I don't have to do this…" she said, her tone implying she was mocking him "I can take what I want and no one can even remember it happening, I'd say that's a pretty good reason to continue."

Barry shook his head lightly "There are people who can help you," he said as he took a step towards her slowly.

She threw her head back and laughed "I don't _want_ your help," she laughed before she moved quickly and threw an object in Barry's direction.

In the split of a second Barry had moved and had a hold on the woman's wrists "I really-" he started to say when she interrupted him with a grin on her face.

"Perfect," she said before making eye contact with Barry.

He frowned for a moment not understanding until something about her eyes caught his attention, it was like he couldn't look away from them yet he wasn't able to get a focus on them.

"How about we forget about the past year," Barry heard a woman say faintly as he was transfixed on those _eyes_ "whatever you can do… we'll just _forget_ it all. _The past year_ is just gone."

" _BARRY_!?" Two voices in his ear shouted. _What, voices in his ear, what?_

Something hard connected with the side of his head, blind siding him immediately and everything went dark just as he hit the ground.

* * *

Oh wow, Barry's head _hurt_ like hell. He had such a pounding headache.

"Barry?!" He could just hear Joe ask with concern lacing his tone.

Barry let out a small groan "I'm sorry Joe," he said "It must've been some… party. I don't know I don't remember anything, I must've had too much to drink." He added before letting out another groan.


	3. can you save my heavydirtysoul

_'can you save my heavydirtysoul'_

The first thing Barry was aware of was a beeping in the distance which was mixed in with hushed voices saying things like "Brain activity suggests…" and "But he's going to wake up soon right?" which was confusing because why would his dreams consist of disguised figures conversing about brain activity and… oh wow, Barry's head _hurt_ like hell. He had such a pounding headache. Barry let out a groan as he moved a hand to the side of his head.

"Barry?!" He could just hear Joe ask with concern lacing his tone.

Barry let out a small groan "I'm sorry Joe," he said in a hushed tone "It must've been some… party. I don't know I don't remember anything, I must've had too much to drink." He added before letting out another groan before opening his eyes and getting a stab of pain in his head as he was greeted by a bright light above him. He shut his eyes again and moved his head to the side.

"Bear… there was no party." Joe said sounding overly concerned.

Barry opened his eyes again to look at Joe when his gaze landed on a man and a woman looking at him intently "Sure there was… uh… who are you, where _am_ I?" he asked as he tried to push himself into a sitting position.

"Barry you're at STAR labs," The woman said hesitantly "you don't remember what happened?" she asked softly.

Barry looked to Joe. "Joe what's going on?" he asked feeling himself become increasingly on edge "why would _I_ be at STAR labs?" he asked.

Joe ran a hand over his face as he glanced at the man and woman stood beside him before he looked back to Barry "Bear what's the last thing you can remember?" he asked his tone sounding both urgent and worried.

Barry frowned as he looked down to the floor; it was all a bit of a big mess really… what _was_ the last thing he could remember? He tried to think harder… wait, why was he dressed in a red suit?

"What… why am I dressed like this?" He asked looking up at Joe.

"Think Barry!" Joe said and in that moment Barry could feel the tension in the room.

Joe was acting weird…

Barry shrugged "Uh… I don't know, maybe coming back from my trip to Starling City. I met Felicity… uh, work… uh… talking to Iris about the… the particle accelerator." He said slowly as he whipped his head around the _very abandoned_ STAR labs room "You said I'm at STAR labs… what… I…" he really didn't know how to process _any_ of this.

"Incredible…" The guy murmured softly which in turn promoted the woman to nudge him with her elbow sharply and glare at him.

"I wouldn't exactly use the word incredible Cisco," she muttered back.

Barry noticed the odd look Joe was giving him and it only added to his increasingly growing anxiety about this whole situation. "You don't remember getting hit by lightning?" Joe asked as he took a step towards Barry "The Flash?" he added with a somewhat hopeful look on his face "Eobard Thawne?"

Barry moved off the bed so he was standing no matter how much his head hurt, Joe was hurtling way too much information at him and Barry needed Joe to _stop_. "Joe… what are you talking about… when was I hit by lightning and what is a Flash and who is Eobard Thawne. None of this is making any sense!" he said.

"You wouldn't mind if we took some more tests would you… just so we can determine the length to which your memory suffered at the hands of this meta-human." The woman said with a pained look on her face.

"I…" he said "I've got to go… this is ridiculous. Joe… you _let_ them run tests on me without my consent? This is insane."

"Barry!" The man (Cisco?) said stepping forward.

"Stay away from me!" Barry shot back as he moved to storm out the room, it only really occurred to him when he was out the room and half way down a hallway that wasn't familiar to him that he actually didn't know the way out of here at all.

* * *

Joe watched as Barry stormed out and then looked to Caitlin and Cisco both looked like they were bewildered and slightly crestfallen at what had just transpired between them and Barry. He let out a sigh as it came crashing down on him that Barry wouldn't remember that he had moved back into Joe's.

"I can't believe Barry doesn't remember us," Cisco said softly.

"I wouldn't take it personally Cisco," Joe said as he gathered up his belongings "I better catch up to him and take him home. I'll call you later, just go home and get some rest and we'll figure the rest out tomorrow okay?" he said.

* * *

Once he was out of his suit, showered and finally laying in his _own_ bed, Barry found that sleep seemed to elude him. Too much was going on his head to even consider the possibility of going to sleep. The pounding in his head had lessened considerably but he found he was on the verge of a headache when he thought of the events of earlier.

Waking up in a strange room in STAR labs, Joe talking about getting hit by lightning, Eobard Thawne… (Thawne… Thawne… Detective Pretty Boy Thawne's relative perhaps?) None of it was making much sense. It all sounded crazy no matter how long Barry obsessed over whatever small details he'd been given.

When it hit the very early hours of the morning and Barry still hadn't managed a single wink of sleep, he decided to get up and get a drink. It beat lying in bed becoming increasingly frustrated at not being able to sleep and his mind repeating ' _you don't remember getting hit by lightning?_ ' Insane.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he's met with the sight of Joe sat in his favourite chair watching Barry intently "I assumed you'd have trouble sleeping," he said gently, it reminded him of when he was younger and Barry would wake from nightmares to find Joe sitting at the end of his bed ready to comfort him.

Barry moved into the living room to take a seat on the couch "This is insane Joe," he said softly "I have a hundred questions about everything!"

Joe nodded his head in understanding "As expected," he said "shoot away."

Barry nodded his head for a moment as he tried to pick _which_ question to ask first before he finally settled on "Why STAR labs?"

Joe pulled a face as he moved to sit straighter in his seat "You remember the particle accelerator that STAR labs built and were switching on, something went wrong. There was a storm that night and when the accelerator exploded, you were struck by lightning. Bear, you were in a coma for nine months. At the hospital you kept flat lining, I was approached by Dr. Wells at the time and he said he could save you if you were moved to STAR labs." He explained.

Barry nodded his head as he listened intently "So… I've just woken from…" he said trailing off unable to say the word 'coma'.

"No," Joe said softly "it's been months since you woke up from your coma Barry."

Barry frowned as he rubbed at his forehead for a moment "You mentioned The Flash… what is that?" he asked.

"The Flash," Joe said slowly with a sad smile on his face "The Flash is you Barry. This is going to sound… impossibly crazy to you." He added before running a hand over his face and averting his gaze for a moment before laughing softly "I don't even know where to start; it sounds crazy no matter where I begin. The night you were hit by lightning, you were changed Barry. After you woke up, you could do _incredible_ things. You could run so fast and when I say fast… I mean _fast_. I watched you rescue people in a matter of seconds Barry. I'll pull up some of the newspaper articles that Iris has written about you in the morning, I know it's too much to digest son."

Barry felt like he was hearing Joe but he wasn't really hearing a word of what he was saying. Joe was right… this did sound impossibly crazy. But an image kept trying to surface in his mind, one from when he was eleven years old. "I…" Barry wasn't too sure what to say "tell me everything. Please, Joe."

* * *

After hearing everything, Barry didn't know what to do with himself and he especially felt grateful towards Joe for somehow getting Captain Singh to allow Barry a couple of personal days because his head literally felt like it was close to exploding at any given second. He felt like he was not only processing all the information given to him but grieving once more for his mother and Detective Thawne (who he has no recollection of knowing on such a personal level).

He paced around the house finding it better to be on his feet and moving, every so often he would hover over the contacts 'Caitlin', 'Cisco' or 'S.T.A.R. labs' in his phone. What could he say to them? He didn't know them… what _would_ he say?

It was at that moment his phone came to life in his hand causing him to jump and almost drop it on the floor, the ID read: Iris.

"Uh… hello?" Barry answered.

"You didn't forget about me too did you?" Iris asked sounding frantic and concerned.

Barry chuckled down the phone "How could I forget my best friend?" he asked.

There was a sigh on the other end "Barry don't you scare me like that again! This is almost as awful as the time you were almost killed by Grodd." She said sounding genuinely worried.

Barry inhaled "I was almost killed?" he asked and then frowned "Who is Grodd? And why did he try to kill me?"

Questions. Too many questions!

"He was a telepathic gorilla," Iris answered as if it was no biggie, like telepathic gorillas were an ordinary thing to talk about so casually.

Barry wanted to laugh, like what were the chances?

"I'm hanging up now so I can go and rethink my entire life," he said.

* * *

Leonard Snart _loved_ the rush he got when he was pulling off a heist, the excitement of it all and the prospect of facing off with The Flash only increased said rush. It was fun. So imagine his surprise when Leonard Snart's entire heist goes off perfectly, no Flash and a clean getaway. It was very peculiar, especially after his deal he'd made with Barry. He'd come to enjoy these little games between Captain Cold and The Flash.

After the evening on the rooftop where Barry was so obviously occupied with something weighing heavily on his mind and then not showing up to stop him, it all added up to be quite a mystery to Leonard. There had been a piece on the local news the other day that had piqued Leonard's interest, a person having pulled off _two_ very successful and expensive robberies without any interference from his favourite Scarlet Speedster.

Lisa groaned "Please don't tell me that you're obsessing over The Flash _now_ ," she said as if the idea of Leonard even doing so was absurd "don't tell me you _wanted_ him to show up…" she added slowly.

"Curious isn't it?" Leonard asked "Two perfect robberies, thief is successful at both attempts. We pull off a perfect heist. No sign of our favourite scarlet speedster in each of these cases."

Lisa rolled her eyes at him "Correction: _your_ favourite speedster." She pointed out with one of her knowing smiles.

Leonard knew it was quite rash to come to the conclusion that something must've happened to Barry in order for these events to be carried out successfully. The question though was _what_ could've possibly happened to Barry Allen in order for this to happen?

Leonard Snart was going to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

Barry couldn't handle being inside the house all day with things such as lightning, speedster, telepathic gorilla and meta-humans kept swimming around his head forcing him to confront the big gap in his memory that he was currently unable to account for. Being cooped up was the last thing Barry wanted to feel.

He walked down familiar streets as he googled ridiculous things like 'gap in memory', 'not able to recall memories' or his favourite one yet 'amnesia symptoms' and it was all so fucking obvious. He had amnesia.

"I know I've got amnesia," he snapped at his phone before shoving it back into his pocket as he received a few sympathetic looks from bystanders and others watched him warily. He didn't pay them much attention; he just wanted to do something _normal_.

Something normal… like… ordering a coffee. That was simply the most ordinary thing anyone could _do_.

Standing in line at the first coffee shop he had laid eyes on helped to settle the craziness Barry was feeling right because how normal was it to stand in line and freak out about what coffee to order because what did he like now?

"Hi, what can I get you?" the kind barista asked with a smile.

Barry smiled at her before looking at the board behind her and simply responded with "Uhh…"

"Two medium mocha latte's to go thanks," a guy said from behind him and before Barry could even address the man, he was handing over the money and nudging Barry to move forward to wait for the drinks.

Barry turned to face to the slightly older looking guy "You really didn't need to do that," he said before he realised how bad that sounded "but thank you for the adult hot chocolate." He added chuckling.

"Adult hot chocolate?" the man asked and _ohshithisvoicewasamazing_ "is that how you normally order your drinks?" he asked looking both amused and yet sceptical at the same time.

Barry was literally unable to speak for a couple of seconds "I… uh… no, hah." He finally managed to get out.

The man still looked sceptical as he gestured around the place "You normally come here, Barry Allen?" he asked.

Barry took a step back in surprise, this man _knew_ him. He opened his mouth to say something when the barista said "Two medium mocha latte's to go," and place their drinks in front of them. Barry was a bit hesitant to take the drink at first but was grateful for the warmth the drink provided his cold hands when he did eventually pick it up.

"I… I know you?" Barry asked.

The man seemed to be watching his every move, he frowned slightly at Barry "So you wasn't being polite back there?" he asked in that low voice of his "you really have no idea who I am do you?" he added.

Barry's head started to feel like it was swimming "I… I'm sorry." He said wanting nothing more to just walk away and retreat to the safety of Joe's house.

"What happened to you?" The man asked looking and sounding intrigued.

Barry looked at him before he frowned "I don't know," he murmured softly "I'm sorry but I _don't_ know you and I don't want to talk about… whatever happened. Thanks for the coffee." He added as he moved a hand into his pocket to pay the man back.

The strange and attractive man with the super attractive voice standing in front of Barry held his hand up with a slight smirk to his lips "It's on me, kid." He said before pushing his way out of the coffee shop doors to leave Barry watching after him as he retreated down a street.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey everyone thanks for the lovely reviews (: it's so nice to hear that you're enjoying it so far. I'm on a bit of a roll with tis ehh, haha. But in all seriousness I had these three chapters all ready to be posted to make up for any lack of updates in the future. I return to uni and work tomorrow so updates could be every other day. Just wanted to give you guys a heads up.  
xoxo**


	4. you don't mess with love

_'you don't mess with love you mess with the truth'_

It really was a curious situation when Leonard sat and thought about it, which he had done… _more_ than he'd care to admit. It really was quite something… it was… Leonard couldn't even describe it. Barry Allen simply couldn't remember being The Flash.

His mind kept wandering back to the coffee shop, Barry hadn't done a double take when Leonard had ordered them both an 'adult hot chocolate' (secretly this amused Leonard to no end), Barry had even looked somewhat pleasantly surprised to see him which had been a big give away that something definitely wasn't right.

Leonard hadn't actually realised how much that meeting with Barry had affected him, it wasn't until the next time he'd ordered a mocha latte that he couldn't help but to stifle an amused smirk as the words 'adult hot chocolate' ran through his mind.

"You have it bad," is all Lisa had said in passing once and Leonard just _knew_ that he'd had it bad for a long time.

The lengths to which he'd gone had surprised even him; he'd started following Barry Allen to _case_ him as Barry Allen and not as The Flash which had been the original plan. The first plan had gone too easy all he had to do was say the right things and do the right things and Barry had trusted too easily, it was a flaw that didn't sit right with Leonard.

One night Barry had agreed to meet Cisco Ramon, Iris West and Caitlin Snow for drinks in a bar which had been overly crowded, the night progressed with Barry looking more confused than ever, Leonard supposed having amnesia would do that to people; the kid had far too many drinks. It was when some guy had ordered for a drink to be sent over to Barry that Leonard had found himself moving near the guy.

"I wouldn't try that," Leonard had said as he kept his gaze on the bottles of alcohol lined along the shelves "I heard his boyfriend is a cop."

The baby-faced guy who looked barely legal to drink looked at him with a deer-in-headlights look "Are you-" he started to pose his question when Leonard smirked at him.

"Wouldn't you like to know," he said.

He left leaving both drinks behind on the bar. It had been too easy.

* * *

After the whole ' _Barry you were struck by lightning and can run super-fast_ ' thing had almost fully sunk in, he'd felt obliged to undertake some of Caitlin's and Cisco's tests just to appease them. And hey, if he could run as fast as they said he could then wouldn't that be cool?

There had been endless blood tests, brain scans and a tonne of running on the treadmill. Barry had the odd feeling that Cisco and Caitlin had hoped to cajole his 'super-fast' speed by slowly upping the speed on the treadmill. Barry held his hand up as he panted and was currently soaked in his own sweat; he clutched his side and tried to breathe in as much oxygen as possible "Oh, water. I need water." He gasped as he sat down with his legs feeling a lot like jelly.

As he tried to get his heart down to a normal beating rhythm because Cisco had really pushed him he could just about see Cisco and Caitlin standing closely together murmuring and casting worried glances his way. Barry assumed this meant that whatever they had set out to accomplish hadn't happened.

Barry laid flat on his back as he looked up at the ceiling of the converted STAR labs room and just allowed himself to slow his breathing. His mind was still whirling with everything that he'd been told and even read. There was something nagging at his mind though, something that kept taking him back to the coffee shop where he met the strange and attractive man with the super attractive voice who bought him an adult hot chocolate. Barry couldn't be certain what it was, the feeling had intensified over the course of the past week after he'd read Iris's blog about 'The Flash'.

"Hey man, I'm so sorry about that…" Cisco said cutting through Barry's thoughts "I tried to push you and you could've really hurt yourself."

Barry waved his hand as if to dismiss it "I know you were only trying to help," he breathed "I'm the one who's sorry… if I could just… _remember_ what-"

"No Barry," Caitlin said cutting him off "you're not to blame for this. We'll catch this meta-human with or without The Flash. That's how good a team we are."

Barry sat up and looked at the two of them "You said that it was this meta-human that did this to me," he said "can you tell me what happened again that night?" he asked.

"We were here ready to pull an all-nighter and someone tripped a silent alarm at _Natalia's_ jewellery store," Cisco recalled "you went as The Flash and before we know it there are some weird readings on our screens and Joe finds you unconscious at the scene."

Caitlin stepped forward with her arms crossed over her chest "We ran some tests to determine the damage caused," she said "then you woke up and the damage become abundantly clear what the damage caused was."

* * *

Barry bunched his hands up in his coat pockets as he prepared himself to move and cross the street so he could revisit _Natalia's_ jewellery store. Maybe if he was there he could jog his memory a bit, get a clearer insight into what really happened that night. He'd read on some sites that it was possible.

Upon walking across the street and entering the _warm_ jewellery store, he moved to the counter where Joe had said he'd found Barry lying unconscious. He turned to look back at the entrance to _picture_ it. He tried picturing himself in that red suit standing near the entrance and looking over at the counter to see… to see- nothing. He couldn't picture anything.

It was so frustrating being unable to help Cisco and Caitlin, he could see the underlying worry in their eyes every time they looked at him.

"Hi," a woman said smiling softly at him from the other side of the counter "are you looking for anything in particular?" she asked.

Barry smiled at her politely "Sorry," he apologised "just browsing." And then he turned to leave the nice warm store and head back out onto the cold streets of Central City.

If Barry remembered correctly then that coffee shop he visited the other day was just around the corner from here, at least he knew one thing on the menu that he genuinely liked to drink.

Living a life where a big chunk of memory is missing is a bit surreal, the stories he has heard about himself as The Flash genuinely stop Barry in his tracks sometimes as he thinks ' _surely not me_ ' almost as if this was some elaborate prank being pulled on him. He definitely does feel sorry for Cisco and Caitlin being stuck back at the lab working non-stop to determine how to reverse what has happened to him. Barry's trying to not hold too much hope; he can't be disappointed if the desired outcome isn't achieved then.

He's pushed the door open to the coffee shop and is immediately met with warmth which washes over him. It reminds him of the feeling when you're cold and slip into a nice hot bath; the warmth that washes over you is just too good. He joined the line and stood patiently in the somewhat little queue.

"Well…" a familiar voice said from behind him "we meet again, Barry Allen."

Barry turned to look at the slightly older man that had been playing on his mind for the past week, he was about to say something when the barista interrupted his train of thought momentarily "I remember you two, two adult hot chocolates?" she asked with a hint of amusement in her eyes.

"You want one?" Barry asked the man, eyes scanning over his face.

He inclined his head forward "Why not," he simply answered turning his lips upwards.

"Two adult hot chocolates then," Barry ordered with a smile "I'm guessing this means I'm not living this down." He added towards the man without a name.

"I'm curious though," the man said "how does one tell the difference between an ordinary hot chocolate and an adult one?" he asked his tone light and teasing.

Barry grinned at the man "Well calling it a mocha latte is just dressing it up as an adult hot chocolate, don't you think?" he said.

The man looked like he was trying to suppress a smile "Interesting way to look at it," he said.

"Do you mind if we sit and talk for a moment?" Barry asked, the question tumbling past his lips without a second thought "that is if you're not in a hurry…" he added "I just have a couple questions."

The man shrugged his shoulders lightly "I'm in no hurry, Barry." He said and Barry did his best to suppress a shiver because _he loved the way he said 'Barry'_.

"Two mocha lattes," the barista said placing their cups in front of them before she returned to serve another customer.

"Lead the way," The man said.

Barry nodded his head before he decided on the table in the middle of the coffee shop, he placed his cup on the table and pulled his chair back to sit opposite the man that he had a tonne of questions for.

"I don't even know your name…" Barry said "did I know your name?" he asked genuinely curious about this man's name.

The man nodded his head "You did," he answered "It's Leonard."

"Leonard," Barry said, finally a name to the face.

Leonard leaned forward in his seat slightly as he rested his forearms on the table they shared "I'll answer any questions you have," he said seriously "if you answer just one for me."

Barry nodded his head "Okay," he said.

"What happened?" Leonard asked immediately.

"I'm still trying to work that one out for myself," Barry admitted through a sigh "I guess the short version is something to do with… meta-humans," he said slowly as he watched Leonard closely for any reaction to suggest he either knew or didn't know about them "a meta-human did _something_ and now the past year is just gone I guess."

Leonard nodded his head "Well…" he said slowly "I'm sorry to hear about that." He added and Barry briefly wondered just how sincere he was being.

"It's… it's insane," Barry said shrugging lightly "I hardly believe it myself. How do I know you?" he asked the question that had been pressing him the most.

"I'm not going to lie to you," Leonard said slowly causing Barry's stomach to sort of drop suddenly dreading the answer "You're all about saving people, a weakness I figured out upon first setting my eyes on you. I on the other hand… I plan, I wait, and I steal. I'm good at it. You forced me to up my game, forced me to become _better_. You'll know me better by my alias Captain Cold."

"Captain Cold," Barry said as recognition niggled at his brain "I think I read about you on a blog. I don't get it…" he murmured the last part as he moved his gaze away from Leonard… Cold… whoever he was "why are you… you _bought_ me a drink… I should probably…" so Barry's brain probably just broke. Why was one of his rivals being somewhat nice to him?

"Oh, there's more Barry." Cold or Leonard said stopping Barry from standing up and leaving the coffee shop.

"More?" Barry asked feeling apprehensive.

Leonard nodded his head slowly (Leonard sounded better than Cold anyway). "We worked together on a job," he said "before the job we were together for a while." He added with an expression that suggested he was being completely serious.

Barry stared at Leonard, hearing his words but also not hearing him at all. If Barry's brain hadn't been broken before then it certainly was now. "Together," Barry simply said "you and me, together. Me, supposedly a city vigilante of some sorts and you, a criminal. Woah, what a crap vigilante I must have been to sleep with someone I should've been putting away."

Leonard laughed for a moment "Well when you put it like that," he said.

Barry eyed him for the moment "Why are you being honest with me?" he asked.

"No point in lying," Leonard answered simply.

"An honest criminal," Barry said trying his best to not be charmed by _that_ voice or _those_ eyes. That was probably his weakness before. "I hear those are hard to come by." He added.

Leonard took a sip from his drink "Apparently so," he said.

Barry remembered then that he probably shouldn't be sat sharing a drink with Leonard and enjoying the man's company. He sighed as he placed both hands round his cup "Well uh, thanks for answering my questions." He said as he stood up to leave.

"See you around Barry," Leonard said.

Barry stilled his moments for a second unsure of how to respond. "Maybe," he decided to say because even though it's a big city, it's still a pretty small world.

* * *

So his talk with Leonard earlier was still present in Barry's mind and he was pretty curious about the man. While Joe was out grabbing take-out for dinner and bringing back Cisco and Caitlin, Barry took the time to use his laptop to google 'Captain Cold'. Most of what popped up was headlines of robberies he was suspected of being involved in when one headline caught his attention: **Cold aids in releasing meta-humans into Central City once more**.

He clicked on it and read it twice and then a third time. This must've been the job Leonard said he worked with Barry on but Joe had told him that 'Cold' had betrayed his trust.

All Barry knew about 'Captain Cold' was that his name is Leonard; he clearly has a thing for blue parkas if these pictures are anything to go by, he's an incredibly honest criminal and he too enjoys a good mocha latte (aka an adult hot chocolate).

The front door shut and Barry had seconds to close down the laptop and greet Cisco and Caitlin.

"Hey guys," Barry said "I'm glad you could make it for dinner, I appreciate everything you've been trying to do to help me and an evening off is exactly what you two need."

Cisco grinned at him "Thanks man but you needn't thank us," he said "you're like my best friend; I'd do anything for you."

Barry enveloped Cisco into a hug before releasing him and gesturing to Caitlin if she'd want one, she stepped forward and slung her arms around his neck "Oh just hug me already," she murmured into his jumper "you really scared us when you woke up and looked freaked out to see us." She added sounding particularly emotional.

"Dinner is served!" Joe announced from the dining room.

"I was starving!" Cisco said as he patted Barry on the back before heading to meet Joe for some dinner. Barry released Caitlin from the hug.

"C'mon let's grab some dinner," he said.

Barry's sat opposite Cisco and listening intently to one of Caitlin's stories about the antics they'd get up to in STAR labs and the memories she speaks of so fondly really genuinely make Barry ache to remember them. "And Cisco's just like that's my bad, that's on me." She said before laughing once more. Barry chuckled as he watched Joe and Cisco laughing heartily over the story.

"I think I owe you two more than just dinner," Barry said "it sounds like you've saved my life on numerous occasions from what Joe has told me."

Cisco smiled at him "We're just glad to be a part of the team," he said.

* * *

Leonard paced his living room as the fact that a meta-human caused Barry's amnesia sank in. The Flash has amnesia; it was too good to be true. What he would have done for that to of happened _months_ ago when Barry kept interfering in his jobs yet he had come to enjoy the thrill of the game they had going on.

"You should just leave this alone Len," Lisa said from the doorway, her arms crossed tightly over her chest "let Barry be happy." She added softly.

Leonard raised his eyebrows at her "I was simply curious," he said "now I know what I wanted to know, I'll get back to planning for the next job."

That definitely caught her interest as she stood a little straighter at the mention of a new job "Another one?" she asked "so soon?"

"Another one," Leonard confirmed "The Flash isn't equipped to stop us and the police stand no chance against us."

Lisa shifted her weight from one foot to the other and tilted her head sideways slightly "So…" she said.

"No Cisco Ramon," Leonard said immediately causing Lisa to sigh and hold her hands up in surrender before heading down the hallway and to the kitchen. He didn't understand what it was that his sister saw in Cisco other than his ability to create weapons similar to his gun but Leonard very much doubted that was what Lisa was interested in.

But what did Lisa know about this thing between him and Barry? She knew nothing. He still had some questions he wanted answering about the extent of this meta-human induced amnesia, was it temporary? Permanent? Perhaps it was time to pay Cisco Ramon a visit himself.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey guys, i'm sorry for any spelling mistakes or anything i literally whipped this up in the space of an hour and a half during my 4 hour break between uni and work! thank you all for your kind reviews, it means a lot you guys are enjoying their journey.**


	5. so pull every pin from every grenade

_'so pull every pin from every grenade and blow it all up in my face'_

Barry glanced around his surroundings once more before shrugging off his messenger bag and sitting cross-legged on the somewhat damp grass beneath the dusk sky. He looked down to his hands and released a breath feeling slightly emotional.

"Hey," Barry murmured "I hope you don't mind me dropping by… from what Joe and Iris have told me it sounded like we became close. Detect- Eddie, sorry, it's weird not calling you Detective Pretty-Boy behind your back with Joe or just Detective Thawne whenever you came by for results." He said chuckling at the nickname Joe had allocated the man. Barry took a moment to organise his thoughts before he looked up at the gravestone "I don't recall much but Joe told me what you did to save me, to save all of us. I don't know if I ever thanked you or told you how sorry I am, I would never have wanted anybody to get hurt on my behalf." He said softly as he moved his gaze to the fallen leaves scattered around him.

Barry wasn't too sure what else he could say, after Joe had continued to fill him in on the events of him being The Flash, his main concern was whether he had ever taken the time to visit Detective Thawne's (he should really call him Eddie) gravestone. When Barry had managed to complete some reports and sort out prints and was able to finish early, he decided to take a detour and visit Detective Thawne's (so it's a hard habit to break!) gravestone.

"I can't wait until we track this meta-human, that way I can gain some insight to see if it is possible to regain my memories. Having that year back would be useful, I mean I ran into this guy at this coffee shop and thought he was good but it turned out he's a nemesis to The Flash and an all-around bad guy so my taste in men speaks for itself there." Barry said letting the words just tumble out past his lips because he doesn't have to be careful here, no one is around to hear him or piece together that he'd actually took a liking to Leonard upon that first meeting.

Barry stood up and rubbed any stray grass or leaves off the back of his legs before picking up his messenger bag "Bye, Detec- Eddie." He said softly before heading out of the cemetery and back home.

It was a futile attempt at jogging his memory or accessing any feelings toward the whole situation but he felt better within himself after visiting Detective Thawne (Eddie!).

* * *

He's pleasantly surprised when an alarm sounded when he stepped into S.T.A.R labs, security is slowly being improved yet there was still a lot to be done. Leonard couldn't figure out how they managed to feel safe in a building that anyone could wander into unnoticed until they tripped an alarm. When he reached his destination, he watched Cisco tapping furiously at a screen before he froze in his seat.

"Snart," Cisco said flatly.

Leonard stepped into the room "Cisco," Leonard said as he continued to stand in the door way.

Cisco turned round in his seat and stood up "What do you want? The Flash will-" he started to say when Leonard raised his eyebrows and started laughing.

"The Flash will do what exactly?" Leonard asked "I know maybe The Flash will appear out of nowhere at any second or maybe he won't… I had a very enlightening conversation with Barry Allen the other day, ah what was it… oh yes, The Flash has amnesia so I'm not particularly worried about him. All I want is a couple questions answered and then I'm gone." Leonard said as he stepped into the room.

Cisco was glaring at Leonard as if looks could kill. "What do you want to know?" he asked and oh the venom in his voice amused Leonard to no end.

Leonard started to pace the room "The amnesia," he said "is it permanent?" he asked.

Cisco leaned against a desk as he maintained his glare on Leonard "Given that all the victims haven't remembered being present at any of the robberies we're hazarding it could possibly be permanent," he answered.

Leonard nodded his head as he listened carefully "Clearly there is a block on his speed, is that permanent too?" he asked.

"You'd love that wouldn't you," Cisco muttered before he exhaled and added "we don't know."

Leonard continued his pacing "You don't seem to be presenting any hard evidence to suggest whether this is temporary or permanent Cisco," he said maintaining a neutral tone "not what I had anticipated, I'm quite disappointed in STAR labs." He added.

"What's it to you anyway?" Cisco asked with a frown.

Leonard shrugged his shoulders "It's a curious situation," he said "you will not tell anyone I dropped in for this chat." He said before heading towards the exit "Oh and Cisco?"

"What?" Cisco snapped.

"Lisa sends her best wishes," he said before making his exit.

If there is one thing Leonard Snart liked it would be knowing the specific answers such as how long it takes for police to respond in certain areas, how long a job will take if the exact plan is followed and lastly is a certain person going to wake up in the middle of the night one day and just automatically remember Leonard stomping all over his heart?

So having a definite answer is what eased Leonard Snart's mind.

Maybe Lisa was right in her own way; he did have a way of fixating on the _wrong_ things. Barry was definitely _wrong_.

* * *

One of the advantages of living in a city is that you are bound to come across at least a couple of stores that are open until a ridiculous time in the early morning. It was something Barry had counted on when he was lying in bed still wide awake at 1am and absolutely _craving_ juice. He'd changed his clothes and headed out to find a store that was open at this time. It amazed Barry that it was 01:13am in the morning and the roads were still alive and the streets still had people wandering around with places to go.

He reached a store that he deemed fit enough to meet his needs: be open and sell juice, _any_ juice as long as they had some! It's a medium sized quaint store which is surprisingly half-filled at this early hour but Barry picked up a basket and started his way around the store. It's not until he's contemplating what juice to buy that he felt someone's gaze on him.

Barry turned to look around the aisle, gaze falling on an middle-aged man looking like he was mentally debating whether to buy coke or pepsi when someone come to stand beside him and said "Personally I'm more prone towards drinking coke, what about you?"

"Leonard," Barry said and turned to face the man who stood beside him with a basket half full with various food items "so do all criminals shop at this hour or is this just something you do?" he asked unable to hold back the playful tone.

Leonard looked down at the watch on his wrist before giving a look around the aisle "I thought I was early to the criminal meet up in the drinks aisle, apparently everyone else is just late." He said sounding just as playful.

Barry suppressed the urge to roll his eyes at the man "That was ridiculous," he pointed out.

"It made you smile," Leonard pointed out.

Barry shook his head lightly as he tried to shake the ridiculousness of the whole situation "That's not even… it's not…" so Barry didn't know what he wanted to say apparently and his mouth communicated just that.

Leonard looked mildly amused "You didn't answer my question, coke or pepsi?" he asked.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Barry said.

"It's a harmless question," Leonard said "come on red."

"Coke," Barry answered "now answer my question." he added.

Leonard's lips quirked upwards "I had some time on my hands to kill and the kitchen cupboards were a bit bare," he said answering Barry's earlier question before he gazed down at Barry's basket "do you need all that juice?" he asked.

Barry glanced down at his basket before gazing at his supposed nemesis who was being _oddly nice_ to him "I couldn't decide between orange, tropical or apple." He said.

"So naturally you just decide to buy all three?" Leonard asked.

Barry shrugged "I won't be in a hurry to buy juice for a while," he answered.

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of them for a couple of seconds before Barry gestured to the basket in his hand and continued down the aisle to pay for his items. He was very aware of Leonard following behind him.

"So red," Leonard said when they were both stood in the line waiting to pay "fancy going to grab a bite? I know a café that's open all night and serves a mean waffle."

Barry felt this was all surreal; he would have jumped at the chance to grab food with Leonard _before_ he knew what he knew now yet all Barry knew about Leonard was what he had read, heard from others and gathered himself from their previous run-ins. Half of him was leaning towards saying 'yes' while the other just thought 'what would Joe say if he finds out'. Leonard had been somewhat nice and playful towards Barry every time they'd conversed and _that_ velvet voice of his was the _ruin_ of Barry's dreams.

His stomach was doing this nervous thing that made him feel nauseous as he let the word "Sure," slip out before he could comprehend what he was letting himself in for.

"Great," Leonard said in response and if Barry felt him step a little bit closer so that his basket was brushing the backs of his legs then he certainly _did not blush_ at what that could possibly mean.

* * *

A strange feeling washed over Leonard during the car ride with Barry to the small café he'd come across a while ago. The car slowly heated up as rain poured down from the darkened sky and battered the windscreen of his car as the music from Lisa's home-made CD quietly filtered through the silence between them.

' _It's the beat that my heart skips when I'm with you, But I still don't understand, Just how your love can do what no one else can_.'

"You like this song too?" Barry asked breaking the silence.

"Yeah," Leonard answered honestly "you played it repeatedly on your phone then it caught on with my sister and then I just couldn't escape it. So I figured if you can't beat them might as well join them."

 _He looked at Barry in amusement "I cannot believe you're not sick of that song yet," he said finding it ridiculous how many times he listens to that same song repeatedly._

 _"It's a good cover and deserves some recognition," Barry replied with that grin that lights up everything around them._

"I'm surprised you didn't freeze my phone then," Barry commented lightly.

Leonard pulled into the somewhat empty car park beside the café "I was tempted to on numerous occasions," he admitted before cutting the engine.

It's a bit like reliving a memory from months ago as he followed Barry from the car park and into the warm café which was occupied only by three other patrons. He motioned for Barry to be seated in a booth as he carried on up to the counter to order.

"Hey Len," she said "the usual?" she asked before moving to get a peek at who he had entered with.

"Thanks," he said as he handed the money over to her and collected the receipt.

Barry's checking the time on his phone when Leonard moved to sit opposite him in the booth. He bit his lip as if he was trying to decide on something but _fuck did he not know how distracting that was_?

"I told you I'll be honest," Leonard said when he sensed Barry was conflicted between asking a question "so ask away."

Barry nodded his head looking slightly embarrassed "I don't get all of this," he said simply "why are you being… so… I don't know, nice."

Leonard had wondered that as well over the past week. "I can be nice," he said "despite what you may have heard red, I've never intentionally gone out of my way to harm you. I released those meta-humans before you could ship them off to a private island because I was saving you from yourself. What you were doing wasn't right holding them in a prison without any sort of trial."

The waitress placed two big steaming mugs in front of them with a somewhat cheery smile that can be mustered at 01:48am in the morning "Two _ordinary_ hot chocolates," she said before returning to the counter.

Barry grinned at him "I'm definitely not living that down," he commented before his smile faded slightly "I guess I can see it from both sides but I can't be at fault for being wary about you. I've read a lot about you and you tell me we were rivals and now I suddenly don't remember this past year and you're-" he added before stopping abruptly looking like he'd almost said something he hadn't wanted to.

It intrigued him.

"And I'm?" he asked prompting Barry suddenly very intrigued indeed.

Barry exhaled "You're being," he said slowly "not what I expected."

"In a good or bad way?" Leonard asked.

Barry looked like he was contemplating his answer before he looked at Leonard directly "Both," he said "it's very contradictory in my head with what I already know about you and what is out there about you."

"You're confused," Leonard said "it's to be expected."

Barry dropped his gaze to the table "I don't know what it is about you that makes it so easy to just talk," he said softly and then he looked back to make eye contact with Leonard "I barely know you personally and I feel like I could just talk to you about everything which CCPD would probably advise against me doing."

"Probably," Leonard said "it's always been easy."

"Joe would shoot us both if he knew I was here," Barry pointed out.

Leonard wrapped his could hands around his warm mug just as the waitress appeared with their plates of food "Enjoy," she said as she placed the plates in front of them and then handed them their cutlery before returning back to the counter to look somewhat awake.

"I wouldn't put it past Detective West," he said.

Barry's lips turned upwards slightly "Can we just not talk about how weird this is or about Joe and just talk about something normal?" he asked.

"Sure, kid." Leonard said as he picked up his cutlery to start eating.

Barry did the same and when he put a bit of waffle in his mouth he looked surprised. "This is so good!" he said "I want you to call me by my name and not by red or kid."

The clock on the wall struck 02:00am and Leonard had never felt more awake. "Okay, Barry." He said.

"So," Barry said before he put another bit of waffle in his mouth, chewed and then swallowed "how did you find this place?" he asked.

"An acquaintance of mine said he wanted to meet here once," Leonard answered.

Barry chuckled and shook his head lightly "I'm not surprised you would refer to your friends as acquaintances," he said.

"Mick is just a partner in the work I do," Leonard said "we're _not_ friends."

Barry held his hands up in a mock surrender "Okay," he said "but how do you think that makes Mick feel?" he asked.

Leonard looked at Barry for a moment before leaning closer over the table slightly "When did you give up being a CSI for counselling?" he asked.

"Just the other day actually," Barry responded immediately with another one of those grins.

* * *

Barry was in the dark kitchen placing the juice he'd forgotten about completely on the side when he thought over the past hour and a half and had to refrain from laughing at the craziness surrounding his life right now. He'd been so hesitant to agree for the super early breakfast with Leonard ( _"If I'm calling you Barry then you have to call me Len,"_ ) or rather with Len (Barry liked that. Len.) and during the course of that hour he'd quickly become comfortable around the man to the point where his earlier concerns hadn't even crossed his mind.

He was aware that he was grinning right now and it's because Len has this charming quality that Barry isn't sure Len is even aware of.

"Pull it together, Allen." Barry muttered to himself as he leant against the kitchen side.

Barry found it was so different being around Len, the man didn't have this look of constant worry staining his eyes like Cisco, Caitlin, Joe or Iris did when they looked at Barry. It was nice to be in someone's company that wasn't constantly asking if he was okay, if he remembered anything or if he wouldn't mind running some _more_ tests. It was refreshing.

It was bad.

It was so, so bad.

Len is a _criminal_. Joe would kill him if he found out.

* * *

"I never can understand why you insist on planning at such a ridiculous time in the morning," Lisa said before she covered her mouth to yawn.

Leonard looked up from the various amounts of paper he head scattered across the table "Why aren't you sleeping?" he asked.

"Mick called," Lisa said from the doorway immediately grabbing Leonard's whole attention "it didn't work out with that woman he was seeing."

"You hide all the flammables?" Leonard asked as he started to gather up the papers while he vividly remembered the last time one of Mick's relationships broke down and he'd set a perfectly good safe house alight.

"Done," Lisa said immediately "the ice cream is out to soften as well." She added.

"I'll get the vodka out and ready as well," Leonard said as he moved the papers into a drawer and locked it before moving to follow Lisa from the study to the kitchen to prepare for Mick's arrival.

Leonard noticed Lisa had set three spoons beside the ice cream pot as well as three shot glasses "It might be a good idea to take the gun and put it somewhere _before_ he starts drinking," he said.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey guys, thank you all for the lovely reviews they really do make it worth carrying on (:**


	6. so you say i'm complicated

_'so you say i'm complicated that i must be outta my mind but you've had me underrated'_

Barry had reached the end of his tether with all 'The Flash' business being hurtled around him. Joe had been trying to shield him from the news by hiding newspapers and turning the news channel over if Barry walked into the room, but the last time Barry checked he'd still had ears and could still hear people's conversations around the precinct or waiting in line to get coffee or even just sitting on the bus.

 _"I thought he was meant to be the good guy,"_

Barry shook his head lightly to shake out all the overheard snippets.

Punch.

Punch, punch, punch.

The punch bag swung side to side ever so slightly.

 _"Why would he abandon us?"_

"Good Barry," a trainer called out to him "keep that focus!"

Barry didn't like the feeling of being babied by Joe so it was worse when Caitlin and Cisco had started to do it as well. He was an adult. Punch. He was sweating, slightly out of breath.

Punch, punch, punch.

 _"He's probably in over his head,"_

Iris had listened to Barry but he'd seen how much pain she was still going through with Eddie's passing. In that moment he'd felt personally responsible for Eddie's brave decision, it suffocated him. Punch. No one should have ever lost their life because of him. Punch, punch.

"I don't blame you Barry,"

Punch, punch, punch.

 _I blame me._

Punch, punch, punch.

The punch bag shook slightly but Barry was all out of energy to continue as he heaved oxygen down into his lungs.

It was cathartic to an extent but he still had to go home and go through the motions that lead him standing here taking his anger out on a punch bag. Barry had no energy left in him to fight with Joe, they fought about most things such as Joe trying to shield Barry from ridiculous forces like the media, Barry wanting to move out, Joe being too overprotective and Barry's mood swings.

"I've got amnesia Joe; I'm not eleven years old anymore! I am perfectly capable of living by myself!"

"You think you're fully equipped to live all by yourself again?"

"I've done it before,"

"And look at how that panned out,"

"Well you've not exactly been forthcoming about why I moved back!"

Joe cared and Barry knew that but it was just a constant battle between the two of them recently and it was leaving Barry exhausted. Barry had joined a gym to work through his building anger as well as wanting to maintain his abs because c'mon _lightning gave him abs_! All Barry wanted was to move past this and get on with his life.

* * *

"I don't like him," Lisa said with a grumpy look directed towards Leonard "do we _really_ require his services on this?" she asked.

Leonard tried his best to suppress rolling his eyes because of her "That's only because he has an odd relationship with Ramon," he pointed out as he put all the plans he'd made for a previous job aside "Rathaway is the only person skilled enough to carry this out unless you'd try your luck with technology?" he asked knowing how terrible Lisa could be with technology.

Mick looked up from the couch "I don't like him either, he's a pretty boy. I don't like pretty boys." He said.

Leonard glanced between Lisa and Mick "I'm sorry Mick," Leonard said sarcastically "I didn't realise you had a hidden affinity for technology, how would you like to carry this job out?"

Mick's silence had been enough for him to gather the answer as being a 'no'. Lisa fixed Leonard with a scowl "Why did you take this job on?" she asked "the guy that wants this computer is _a badge_ , have you ever thought that this could be a trap? What does he want with this computer specifically?"

Leonard filed the papers away and locked the drawer before placing the key in his jeans pocket "I don't know nor do I care," he said as he leant against a counter "all I know is that this gives us an advantage, we can cash in whatever favour we need or want and this badge doesn't have a choice because we'll know what he's done." He pointed out.

"Could come in handy," Mick said.

Lisa looked at him with an intense glare "I hope you know what you're doing," she said "because if this backfires then it's on you." She added before storming out of the room.

Leonard released a sigh "She does have a flare for dramatics doesn't she," he commented to Mick.

Lisa had a tendency to worry whenever a badge was involved and Leonard couldn't blame her, in his experience badges were to never be trusted with the power that comes in the form of their job title.

"Still don't like this Rathaway kid though," Mick grumbled from the couch.

* * *

Barry moved his head to the left slightly so his vision was obscured by a bit of his pillow before he closed his eyes and exhaled trying to lessen the feeling of guilt building in his stomach as he scrolled through a list of available apartments for sale in Central City. He needed to get back on his own two feet. The silence from his phone had been slowly driving him insane; he'd gotten this urge to talk to Len but other than the coffee shop and the café, Barry wasn't too sure on how to find him and was starting to regret not asking to swap numbers.

There were two soft knocks on his door before it opened ever so slightly "Hey Bear, what you doing?" Iris asked as she poked her head around the door. Barry gestured for Iris to come into his room, he watched as she stepped in and closed the door before moving to sit on the edge of his bed.

"I'm looking at apartments," Barry admitted "I think it's time to stand on my own feet again and living with Joe isn't really convenient for my love life."

Iris laughed softly "Who knew living with parents is such a turn off to some people?"

"I know," Barry said smiling "I think I've found one I like; it's more downtown than Joe would be comfortable with but the overall neighbourhood seems to be pretty decent. It's not overly far from STAR labs or work so my time keeping could improve as well." He added as he turned the laptop round to show Iris.

She scrolled up and down the page a couple of times and clicked through the picture album before she shrugged "You should lead with that when you break it to dad," Iris suggested playfully " _Hey uh Joe I've found a place that's downtown but it'll cure my chronic tardiness_." She said in a deep voice as she imitated Barry.

Barry scoffed feeling partially offended "I do not sound like that!" he said as he considered throwing a pillow at her head.

"Perhaps not," she admitted "it looks like a nice place; you should go for it if that's what you want. Dad will understand I know he can be overbearing but it's just because he cares."

Barry looked up at his ceiling as he sighed "I know," he murmured "sometimes it feels like it's too much though."

* * *

Leonard leaned against the counter as he studied Hartley Rathaway while the young man looked over Leonard's plan for the job. He'd nod his head every so often whether that was if he was agreeing or just simply taking the information in, Leonard wasn't too sure.

"And what's the back-up plan?" Rathaway asked as he moved his gaze from the papers on the table and to Leonard. Mick was right about Hartley- he had a pretty face.

"You stick to the plan and you won't need one," Leonard said simply.

Rathaway's eyes widened slightly and his mouth sort of fell open forming an 'o'. "You're kidding," he said "you _must_ have a back-up plan."

Leonard resisted the urge to smirk at him. "It's hardly necessary," he said "The Flash is unlikely to make an appearance, you should be in and out before the police arrive, you'll have two other men aiding you and the nice detective was kind enough to mail these in case you encounter any… obstacles." He said as he dropped a pair of handcuffs onto the wooden table. Rathaway's eyes watched the cuffs fall on top of the papers.

"I didn't realise I was working with a _mad_ man," Rathaway said looking incredulous.

Leonard shrugged "You want a back-up plan, here's a back-up plan for you then. Mick and I will be a couple blocks away and if you feel like you need us to babysit you and hold your hand then sure, give us a call." He said with a smirk. He was slightly disappointed in Hartley Rathaway's little faith surrounding the plan Leonard had put together so effortlessly.

Rathaway looked slightly pissed at the mention of being babysat. "I don't _need_ to be babysat, just tell me where I'm dropping this computer off." He said.

"Leave that part to Mick," Leonard said "as you'll see in the plan you'll meet Mick, dump the thing into his car and then you all go your separate ways and that's that."

* * *

' _I can't get over you, you left your mark on me, I want your high love and emotion endlessly_ ' another cover of a song blasted through Barry's headphones as he turned the corner and continued his run, he had wanted to burn off some of his anxiety before he told Joe that he planned to move out. He liked running at 7:30pm because the streets weren't too busy and they weren't completely empty either.

His thoughts returned to Len _again_ as he wondered what the man was doing and if he was maybe thinking about Barry as much as Barry was thinking about him (stop that thought! Joe would kill you both.)

Barry wondered if someone was fucking with him because after he ran down a couple more blocks he quickly got his answer to his earlier question, Len was standing beside a car on _Barry's_ side of the road and- eye contact has been made. Len moved away from the car as Barry approached. He supposed it would be a bit rude to carry on as if he hadn't spotted the man. As he slowed to a walking pace before he stopped in front of Len in a sweaty mess and trying to regain his breathing to a normal rate, he took an earphone out. "I swear you magically appear when I think about you," Barry breathed out and only realised what he'd said after the words had left his mouth.

"You were thinking about me?" Len asked looking a cross between amused and interested.

Barry was glad his face was already red from the running otherwise Len would have easily seen the extent of Barry's embarrassment. "I have no filter today apparently," he said.

Len quirked his lips upwards "I was thinking about you too," he said.

"…you were?" Barry asked.

Len nodded his head slowly as he produced a pen from his coat pocket "I was _thinking_ that the next time I saw you I would give you my number," he said in the voice which was a mix between gravel and velvet and uncapped the pen lid, taking hold of Barry's arm and starting to write his number up his forearm. The coldness of the pen against Barry's warm skin made him gasp softly "and here you are." He added as he released Barry's arm.

"Thanks," Barry said as he gestured to his arm.

Len's lips stayed turned upwards in a smile "Don't keep me waiting Barry," he said as he stepped away to allow Barry to continue with his run.

* * *

Leonard was drying his hands on the hand towel after washing up when Lisa appeared in the doorway with a serious look on her face, she was worried.

"Just tell me what this badge wants with this computer," Lisa said as she moved to sit at the table in the middle of the kitchen.

Leonard pulled out a chair to sit opposite his sister "He wouldn't go into specifics, just some evidence of something incriminating that he wanted to personally destroy himself. I figured we get Rathaway to do the job; we split the cash and have a badge in our pocket for when we need favours. It's a fairly simple job Lisa, shouldn't attract too much attention." He explained hoping to ease some of her worries.

Lisa nodded her head "You'd better hope so," she said "I have a bad feeling about Rathaway and you know how the media are when it comes to any sort of disturbance. They're on the scene as soon as possible. And as for badges in pockets…"

"Don't go there," Leonard said wanting to avoid the upcoming conversation.

Lisa raised her eyebrows at him with a smirk of her own "Because from what _I_ saw it looked like-" Lisa said when Leonard interrupted her.

"Lisa-" he said however his sister carried on as if he hadn't spoken at all.

"- you _are_ interested in him aren't you," she commented with a look of wonder on her face "before you were just casing him but you, Leonard Snart, actually like him don't you."

"I'm not having this conversation with you Lisa," Leonard said.

Lisa raised an eyebrow at her "Sure you're not," she said "but just so you know, if you follow through with Barry then you'll be seeing a lot more of Cisco." She added before she got up from her seat and walked out of the room.


	7. i'm a little unsure

_'i'm a little unsure how it go so complicated if i let go i know i'll regret it'_

You could probably have heard a pin drop in Jitters; the whole coffee shop had been stunned into silence at the coverage unfolding on the television screen. Every customer's gaze glued to the screen, a few gasped here and there and Leonard was seething with anger at Hartley Rathaway, how the kid had royally screwed up was beyond him. He too watched the screen in Jitter's which would switch between a reporter adding bits of information before it switched back to the helicopter's camera of the high speed chase.

The headline flashing on the screen: **ROBBERY GONE WRONG IN CENTRAL CITY? CHASE UNDER WAY! SUSPECTS HAVE HOSTAGE!**

Lisa touched his arm, a look of worry dominating her face. "Lenny, calm down." She murmured. Leonard wondered if his anger and worry was that evident on his face or if Lisa was too good at reading him nowadays.

* * *

 ** _3 hours ago_**

Leonard slid the pen lid back on with a smirk "There kid, if you need help I'll be a phone call away." He said as he crossed his arms and looked at Rathaway.

Hartley frowned down at the number written up his forearm "That wasn't necessary," he said with a frown on his face "like you said; it's a simple in and out job."

Leonard shrugged a shoulder lightly "Give me a call once it's completed then," he said "then I can pass the message along to the detective."

Rathaway eyed him for a moment "And you're sure this detective hasn't got a nasty surprise in store for us?" he asked.

"That's what Mick is for," Leonard answered "if there is he'll just burn them away for you."

Rathaway looked like he was about to say something when Leonard's phone _dinged_ suggesting he had received a text message. Leonard retrieved the phone he'd marked as 'business' from his pocket and unlocked it to see a message from none other than Barry.

 **BA – LS** [ _Hey it's Barry, you said not to keep you waiting so I guess you have my number too now_ ]

Leonard looked up to see Rathaway eyeing him. "Was there something else you wanted?" he asked.

"No," Rathaway said.

Leonard nodded his head once "Then get back to memorising the plan and your route," he said before he left the room and started replying to Barry's text.

 **LS – BA** [ _Barry, I was starting to wonder if I was actually going to hear from you_ ]

Barry's response was pretty immediate which pleased Leonard because if there was one thing that really grated on him it was when people took ages to reply to a simple text.

 **BA – LS** [ _I'm sorry! I've been getting ready to view an apartment later. Was Capt. Cold getting worried a certain CSI wouldn't text him? That would be pretty cute._ ]

Leonard had barely read the message before his fingers were moving across the cold screen of his phone to respond.

 **LS – BA** [ _As if I took time out of my busy schedule to worry if you were going to text me._ ]

Leonard could clearly imagine Barry opening his message and grinning, the image almost had Leonard smiling. Almost.

 **BA – LS** [ _A busy schedule huh? Would that be a normal human being's schedule or a criminal planning to steal busy schedule? I'm going to hazard that your reply is probably going to be along the lines of 'that's none of your business'._ ]

 **LS – BA** [ _Well you save me from typing that response out, good job Mr Allen._ ]

* * *

Barry checked the address he'd written down before he checked his phone for the time and almost dropped his phone in surprise; he was going to be late to meet the realtor. He wasn't too far away from the property however what he had noticed was that in his rush he had taken a wrong turning… or two. He could salvage the lost time; there should be a shortcut that gets him back on track.

He really didn't want to miss the viewing; Joe would think he'd purposefully sabotaged himself. This was also a way to show Joe that he was being serious about moving out.

Barry vaguely knew where he was now. Crap he only had a few minutes until-

A strong hand wrapped around his left arm "We got company!" the man shouted as he dragged Barry closer toward an abandoned lot where three more men appeared on Barry's right and then there was a young man with glasses stood leant against a car as another man bundled something into the boot of one of the two cars.

"Barry Allen," the man wearing the glasses said, he didn't look like he was much older than Barry "we meet again."

Barry had no recollection of ever meeting the man in front of him and he had picked the wrong person to involve in his criminal activity, didn't he know he was the step-son of a detective who had taught him how to defend himself in situations like this?

A man grabbed onto Barry's right arm so he was held firmly in place.

"You shouldn't have done that," Barry said feeling his heartbeat increase as he felt the adrenaline run through his veins before he used as much force as he could possibly to drive his right elbow into the man's gut winding him and grabbing onto the guy on his left as he head-butted him and freeing himself from any of their grasps.

He had a second to prepare himself as one of the men went to punch him, Barry had practiced this move more than he could care to remember as he brought his arms up together to block the move before he brought his hand back to connect his fist with the other man's face.

He narrowly avoided a kick to the stomach by moving aside and grabbing one of the man's arms and pulling him down to his knees for Barry's knee to connect with his jaw. Barry thought that getting three men down was pretty good until he was caught off guard and landing on his back feeling a bit dazed and confused for a couple seconds before he pushed himself to stand up and face the man with the glasses- the same man with glasses who had handcuffs dangling from one of his fingers.

All of his punches were being blocked and he was again caught by a sharp elbow to the face and then the man's hand was around his neck- then he's on the floor with his arm in the air and a boot on top of his head as the cold handcuffs are being placed on his wrist.

It was probably quite accurate to say that Barry had managed to both piss the men off and put them behind schedule because the man in the glasses was shoving him towards his car and shouting out orders to all the men as sirens could be heard approaching quickly.

"I'll follow behind," the man said "Someone get Rory on the phone and get him to tell us the meeting point."

Barry's roughly shoved into the passenger seat of a car and the door is slammed behind him.

"You know CCPD will apprehend you one way or another," Barry said when the man with glasses got into the driver's seat and didn't waste any time in speeding off after he stuck his seatbelt on. Barry was vaguely aware of how dangerously the situation could escalate when driving at this speed with _no_ seatbelt on.

He moved his gaze from the car that was speeding ahead in front of them clearing the road ahead and looked into the rear view mirror to see multiple CCPD cars chasing them.

"You know somehow I don't think that will be the case," the man muttered "they didn't stand a chance against me before and Cisco certainly doesn't stand a chance against me so who do you think is going to save you?"

"You know Cisco?" Barry asked surprised, the words leaving his mouth before he could fully process what the man had said.

The man quickly glanced at him before they took a couple of sharp turns that almost had Barry falling out of his seat and into the man. "The Flash seriously has amnesia?" he asked sounding close to laughing.

"You know-" Barry started to say when they took another sharp turn that propelled Barry into the passenger door "you're a terrible driver." He decided on stating instead before he noticed the news helicopter in the sky.

This was so not how his day was supposed to go!

"Okay, got it." The man said to no-one in particular and Barry wondered what the man's mental state was like.

* * *

Lisa used her side to push the door open to Jitters, a coffee shop she had started to frequent after she had 'mysteriously' come across the knowledge that a certain Cisco Ramon used this as his regular coffee place. "I'm telling you Lenny, their hot chocolates are to die for." She said as she ushered him in to the particularly busy coffee shop.

Leonard sighed "What have I said about you calling me that in public," he said.

You could probably have heard a pin drop in Jitters; the whole coffee shop had been stunned into silence at the coverage unfolding on the television screen. Every customer's gaze glued to the screen, a few gasped here and there. Leonard read the caption on the screen: **ROBBERY GONE WRONG IN CENTRAL CITY? CHASE UNDER WAY! SUSPECTS HAVE HOSTAGE!**

Leonard recognised both cars immediately and wondered how on earth Hartley Rathaway could have royally screwed up such a simple job.

Hostage!? What the fuck had happened?

It was at a sharp turn that the news camera zoomed in as much as possible and Leonard felt himself almost choke on the air he was breathing, that had to be Barry. It looked like Barry. If it _was_ Barry then Hartley Rathaway was in for a world of pain. Lisa touched his arm, a look of worry dominating her face. "Lenny, calm down." She murmured. Leonard wondered if his anger and worry was that evident on his face or if Lisa was too good at reading him nowadays.

* * *

Okay so Barry had a plan and it was probably an insane one that was going to get him injured but it was better than sitting on the car where he didn't know what was going to happen to him when they finally reached this 'meeting point' that had been mentioned earlier. When Barry was younger, he and Iris had begged and begged and begged Joe to teach them how to escape handcuffs and after constantly asking, Joe had given in and taught them a simple trick.

Barry remembered being surprised at Joe even being willing to teach them it but it was certainly going to come in handy now.

The man seemed to be too occupied by the CCPD cars that were slowly becoming less visible in the rear view mirror and the open stretch of empty road ahead of them, it was a now or never situation for Barry really.

* * *

Leonard felt nauseous as he watched the whole thing unfold on the television. He's never been one for physical contact (or he hadn't been until Barry) but he found himself gripping onto Lisa's hand. One minute the cars are both hurtling at fast speeds and then one of the cars is breaking sharply. Leonard isn't expecting it, no one was and he couldn't even comprehend what he watched as someone came flying out of the windscreen, over the car and rolled a few times in the road.

Hartley stepping out of car is what Leonard zoned in one first when movement on the road caught his eye and _it's fucking Barry Allen_. Barry Allen is moving and he's standing up and Barry Allen has just flew out a windscreen. Barry looked like he was in some pain and that much is evident when he swung for Rathaway and the man just simply moves out the way before delivering an elbow to the face.

"Barry," Lisa gasped softly.

Leonard watched on as Barry pushed himself up again and swung for Rathaway again, the man blocking twice before Barry grabbed him by the shoulders and kneed him in the stomach area. Rathaway looked like the breath had been knocked out of him and Leonard was pleased. Rathaway connected with Barry again sending him to the floor once more.

"Rathaway is dead," Leonard mumbled under his breath for Lisa to hear.

Barry's standing again and tugging at his sleeve. The same arm Leonard had written his number on the day before in permanent marker.

* * *

Almost every fibre of Barry _hurts_. He's tugged his sleeve up slightly, the black ink still stained his skin from the day before. He saw the raw look of confusion cross the man's face as he pulled up his sleeve slightly as well to reveal the same number scrawled up his forearm.

"You're… you're working on the detective job?" the man asked frowning in confusion.

Barry frowned confused "What…" he said when the man stepped forward into his space and shook his hand.

"Get in the car _now_ ," The man said "if we get caught Cold isn't going to be pleased."

Barry moved numbly to the passenger side of the car again and as soon as both doors were closed shut, the man put his foot down on the gas pedal and off they sped. "Detective job," Barry gasped out once his seatbelt was firmly _on_ "I'm confused about what's going on."

The man is just laughing though "It's… I can't believe it. The Flash working with Captain Cold on a job. You should've said, you didn't need to go through my windscreen." He said.

"I'm not working any job _with_ Cold," Barry gritted out because the pain coursing through his body was unbelievable "I've been _seeing_ Len! What is going on? Who the hell are you?"

"Hartley," the man said as way of an introduction as he glared at the road ahead "all you need to know is there's a dirty cop who paid us a lot of money to steal and deliver a computer that has some incriminating evidence on him. And as for Cold… I'm hoping he hasn't seen the news yet."

Barry let the information sink in. Dirty cop. A cop that works within the CCPD. Dirty. "Dirty cop," Barry breathed "what's his name?"

Hartley took a sharp turning again "Detective Axel Kelker," he said.

"Axel Kelker… Detective Kelker," Barry murmured to himself as he tried to place a name to the face "it's a trap." He gasped.

"What?" Hartley practically yelled.

"Detective Kelker has a reputation in the precinct," Barry explained "all of his arrests have been him tricking the perpetrators and catching them red handed. He's going to destroy the computer and arrest you." He added "…and probably me."

"Two birds one stone," Hartley said.

"Something like that," Barry murmured before he straightened up in his seat as the full weight of what had just happened crashed down around him "this looks awful for the both of us," he said as he turned to look out the back window to see how close the CCPD cars were "if you could put more pressure on the gas until you get to the destination we could be in and out before the police know where we've gone."

"Get that?" Hartley said to no one in particular. Again Barry wondered for his sanity.

"Who are you talking to?" Barry asked.

Hartley gave no warning before he put more pressure and they jolted forwards hurtling at a dangerously fast speed without a windscreen. "An ear comm. You're familiar with them right." Hartley said "so what's the plan?"

"Okay," Barry said as he gripped his seat tightly "Detective Kelker has a couple cops he's close with, we need to be prepared for them to be there to ambush you. But the handcuffs from earlier could come in handy."

"Fuck," Hartley said "okay."

* * *

There's movement in Jitters but Leonard is glued the spot, his mind replayed Barry crashing through the windscreen and rolling on the road. He kept seeing Barry hit the ground after Rathaway caught him with a vicious elbow. He could still picture Rathaway getting into Barry's personal space, the two bound by something that Leonard had given them each. Hands clasped together.

"Len," Lisa said "you're holding up the queue. Come on, we'll grab a drink and we'll talk."

Leonard nodded his head and his feet moved of their own accord. He hated not knowing what was going on after what he had witnessed.

"I'm not going to say I told you so," Lisa said after she'd ordered and paid for their drinks "but I did suggest in a very open manner my dislike of the guy."

Leonard loved Lisa, even when he was shocked to his core she still managed to find a way to amuse him slightly. "That oddly sounds like a very different way of saying I told you so," he pointed out as he slipped his phone out of his pocket to shoot a text to Barry.

 **LS – BA** [ _Barry, are you okay? What's going on? Call me as soon as you can! I want to know if you're okay!_ ] That's all he could do right now and he hated feeling this helpless.

"Well I wouldn't want to come right out and say it," Lisa said as she picked up their orders from the barista and guided him to a table "especially when I know it'll make you feel even worse." She added as they slipped onto the seats. It was oddly amusing how no one recognised who he was when he wasn't in his parka and absent of his cold gun. He was just like everyone else around him- ordinary.

* * *

Everyone had anticipated the ambush from Kelker's buddies and Barry found it too easy to get wrapped up in everything going on. Hartley had mumbled a "fuck it," before he crashed in through the side wall of an abandoned warehouse easily knocking out one of the men.

' _We are the spark that lights the flame, in every end; we start it all over again_ '

Barry's out the passenger door and grabbing a man's arm, twisting it round and elbowing him in the face. Hartley's ahead of him and the other men Barry had met earlier are taking a man each. It's hard to believe the whole thing lasted just over a minute.

' _We are, we are, the ones to blame, in every end, we start it all over again_ '

"Allen," Kelker said just as Hartley closed the handcuffs over his wrists "…you're working with low life criminals?"

Barry cocked his head to the side "I was caught in the middle of all of this," he said "the only criminal I see here is you."

Hartley disappeared back to the car for a couple of minutes before he hauled over the computer and placed it on the floor beside Kelker "I guess the evidence will speak for itself," he said.

Kelker looked up from the computer, to Barry and then to Hartley. "Snart put you up to this didn't he?" he asked.

"No," Hartley said as he stepped closer towards Axel Kelker who was on his knees looking particularly defeated "you did this when you decided to double cross us."

"We should…," Barry said becoming particularly aware of the oncoming load of CCPD officers and he was already in a difficult position from the footage caught by the news helicopter.

Hartley shoved Kelker to the ground before grabbing Barry by the arm and pulling him along to the other car. Barry just ached and was exhausted from the day's events. Joe was definitely not letting Barry out of his sight until he was 90 years old or something now.

"I… what am I going to do?" Barry asked as he was placed in the car and the door was closed "I'm implicated in this now." He said more to himself.

Hartley nodded his head "I've got that covered Barry," he said "it involves some pain but you should be fine."

"Please tell me the car is going to be stationary," Barry said.

"Five miles per hour at the slowest," Hartley said in a reasoning voice.

Barry looked at the serious expression on Hartley's face and assumed he wasn't going to get a much better deal out of him. "Five miles per hour then," Barry sighed.

"Good because it's show time," Hartley said as the car jolted to life and started moving as sirens headed their way.

The car slowed down to a crawlers pace as Hartley swung the door to the car open as cop cars slowed down around the warehouse and before Barry could comprehend to prepare himself for the fall, a hand was on his shoulders as a quick "Sorry!" was said and he was being roughly shoved out the car and hitting the ground once more. Barry let out a groan upon impact as he decided to just stay where he was because not moving didn't cause him pain.

"BARRY!" he heard Joe shout and Barry let out another groan of pain because the grilling that would follow would be emotionally and mentally painful for him.

* * *

Barry was _exhausted_. After being checked over by paramedics, having his statement taken, Joe taking him to STAR labs, being questioned by Joe, Cisco and Caitlin and then having Iris grill him about how he should be more careful, it was just a super long day that had drained every ounce of energy out of him.

He had managed to eat some dinner and shower the day off of him when he crawled into bed and grabbed his phone from his pocket. Surprisingly the only damage done to the phone had been a slight crack on the edge of the screen. He'd had numerous calls and texts from Iris, Caitlin, Cisco, Joe and Len.

 **LS – BA** [ _Barry, are you okay? What's going on? Call me as soon as you can! I want to know if you're okay!_ ]

Len had been worried… or had he? There was no way Len could have known Barry would be where he had been. Barry was conflicted with what to do.

 **BA – LS** [ _I'm fine; couple bruised ribs and a badly scraped knee. I know you were behind what happened today. You can thank Hartley for saving me from falling under suspicion at work._ ] Okay, yeah, Barry was a bit pissed off at him.

For all of today's events, he had expected to be gone as soon as his head hit the pillow but he found himself anticipating Len's reply… _if_ he replied that was.

 **LS – BA** [ _I'm sorry you got hurt, it was never intended for any of what happened today to happen. I like how even though Hartley laid into you, you still want to thank him for something as small as saving your job, from what I heard you'd make a good little criminal. Too early for that?_ ]

Barry _wanted_ to be able to just put his phone down and go to sleep but Leonard Snart had this hold over him and it was scary how strong it was.

 **BA – LS** [ _Yes it's too early for that. Len, I know you told me what it is you do but I never expected it to get this violent._ ]

 **LS – BA** [ _I never expected you to get caught in the crosshairs, it was meant to be a simple job and Rathaway screwed it up. I watched it all unfold on the television and saw what happened, I promise you it will never happen again_ ] Len's response is immediate and it has Barry even more conflicted emotionally.

 **BA – LS** [ _You can't promise something like that, I know I was in the wrong place at the wrong time but it happened and I can't forget it you know. Also I don't mean to toot my own horn but I'm the reason your men aren't sitting in a jail cell right now so just let that sink in…_ ]

Barry dropped his phone in surprise, when did this become about boasting to Len!?

 **LS – BA** [ _If that's you telling me to not find a date then message received loud and clear._ ]

Barry felt his face grow hot at the message.

 **BA – LS** [ _You're free to do what you want_ ]

As soon as the message sent and Barry couldn't delete it, he instantly regretted it.

 **LS – BA** [ _I'll keep my calendar clear… just in case._ ]

Barry didn't smile. He full on fucking grinned as he locked his phone and turned his bed side table lamp off before he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey so i whipped this together for you guys today as i felt bad about the lack of updates. It is actually based off of Demi's music video but when i watched it I was like uh that would be such a good thing to write! basically... I had a massive writers block about what to write next for them. And who doesn't like a bit of Badass!Barry and Worried!Len.**


	8. sparks will fly they ignite our bones

_'sparks will fly they ignite our bones but when they strike we light up the world'_

 **LS – BA** [ _I've got a something for you; meet me at the end of your street._ ]

Barry looked down at the message which illuminated his screen, biting his lip as he wondered what Leonard Snart could have possibly got for him. He looked around his semi-packed bedroom, he should really unpack his things at some point but seeing what Len had in store for him couldn't wait. It would be rude of Barry to leave Len sat in his car.

 **BA – LS** [ _Give me two minutes._ ] he replied before he set his phone down and grabbed the nearest pair of shoes and shoved them on before he stood up and grabbed his coat from his wardrobe. Before he left his bedroom he made sure to pocket his keys and his phone.

Luckily Joe was on a night shift and Iris was out drinking with some girls from work, he wasn't particularly good at thinking on his feet. His mind raced as he walked at a somewhat slow pace down to the end of the street as to not seem too eager or excited. Barry was curious though. The walk to the end of the street isn't too long; it takes about a minute or so.

Under the cover of darkness, Barry can just about make out Len sitting in the driver's seat. He tapped on the passenger door window once before pulling the door open and seating himself before shutting it behind him, shivering slightly at the coldness that had seeped into him during the short walk.

"If it's a membership card to your criminal circle then I politely decline," Barry said jokingly, the whole event had been somewhat of a nightmare which had then turned into a light hearted joke between him and Len.

Len looked at him with a hint of a smile playing on his lips "Oh how you wound me," he said "and I drove all this way."

Barry chuckled softly as he rubbed his hands together feeling grateful for the heating being on "Should I be worried though?" he asked.

Len removed one of his hands from his pocket and held out a small box to Barry. "Open it and see," Len said softly.

Barry eyed the box for a couple of seconds before he retrieved it out of Len's hand, his hands were shaking slightly and he hoped that Len couldn't notice. Barry popped the lid of the box off and saw a key attached to a keyring with a lightning bolt dangling from it. "I…" Barry said "what's it for?"

"I know you missed your apartment viewing because of Rathaway, the landlord owed me a favour. You can move in whenever you're ready." Len said.

"You didn't have to do this Len," Barry murmured as he looked toward slightly older man.

Len directed his gaze away from Barry and to the road ahead of them. "I know," he said "I wanted to. Lisa thought you'd appreciate the lightning bolt. I thought it was ridiculous." He added.

Barry couldn't help the smile on his face "Thank you," he said "I think the lightning bolt would've amused me more before the whole _Natalia's_ incident but it's sweet." He added with an overwhelming urge to reach over and hug the man.

Len nodded his head "How are you feeling now?" he asked as he moved his gaze back to Barry.

"Still a little sore," Barry answered softly "thank you for asking for the tenth time." He added (and yes he had kept count).

He could see Len's lips quirk at the comment "I should be surprised you kept count but oddly enough I expected that of you," he said.

Barry relaxed into his seat and moved his head to lean against the headrest as he looked at Len before he released a small sigh "I would invite you in for a drink but I'm guessing that would be a bad idea," he said.

Len wrinkled his nose slightly at the mention "I'd rather not be caught in a cops house," he admitted "we could go somewhere else, just keep driving and see where we end up?" he suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Barry smiled.

* * *

' _every inch of your skin is a holy grail I've got to find, only you can set my heart on fire_ '

Barry didn't know how long they'd been driving, all he knew was it felt like it had been forever and at the same time like it wasn't that long at all. They were heading towards the edge of Central City and it was so nice to be comfortable around someone.

"Tell me something no one knows about Captain Cold," Barry said speaking above the music filtering through the radio softly.

Len frowned slightly for a second before he answered "I hate fish fingers,"

"What's wrong with fish fingers?" Barry asked slightly amused at the admission.

"They're disgusting," Len answered simply "what about you, tell me something you think I don't already know."

Barry had to really think for a couple of minutes about what Len could possibly already know "My guilty pleasure is listening to Justin Bieber," he said.

"Already knew that," Len said with a slight grin "I overheard you singing in the shower once."

Barry looked out the window as he watched street lamp posts pass by in a blink. "Okay," Barry said "I remember when I was younger I tried to be a vegetarian once, it lasted for a week and then my weakness for bacon sandwiches put an end to that." He said.

"I didn't know that," Len said "you never really spoke about your childhood when we were together."

Barry fiddled with a thread from his coat "It's painful to look back at how happy I was," he admitted softly "My mom's death and my dad's incarceration just form this big ugly cloud around my memories."

"I get that," Len murmured.

* * *

They end up at a small town just outside of Central City in a small rustic diner that had a homely feel, the diner wasn't overly crowded and had soft country songs playing in the background.

"I'm surprised Detective West hasn't called yet," Len commented as he pushed the two menus' aside after they'd ordered.

"He's working tonight," Barry explained "and Iris is out drinking with girls from work so you saved me from my own boredom."

Leonard nodded his head; he had wondered during the drive here whether West was going to call and break the small personal bubble they'd built around themselves. Knowing they had the whole evening to themselves possibly uninterrupted had him wondering how tonight could go (did it count as a date?). "We seem to end up in these situations huh," he said as he leaned back in his seat to observe Barry.

Barry smiled that smile which could light up a whole room without much effort "I was just thinking that," he said "funny how everything I do brings me back to _you_." He added.

"Careful," Len said with a smirk "you'll soon sound like you stepped right out of a romantic film."

Barry shook his head lightly "You know what I mean though," he said "first I run into you at the coffee shop, then I meet you doing late night grocery shopping, then I run into you when I'm out running and then your job goes sideways and I'm caught in the crosshairs. It's weird." He explained.

Len leaned forward in his seat lightly "I have a confession to make," he said slowly "that day you met me at the coffee shop I had followed you."

Barry looked surprised for a moment "Followed me?" he asked "do I even want to know why?"

Len shrugged "I was curious about you," he said "you didn't show up at one of my jobs, which is unusual for you. So I followed you and when you didn't recognise me I had my answer. The second time wasn't planned, that was coincidence."

Leonard watched as Barry processed the information, he was taking it better than Leonard had anticipated even though he wasn't sure how Barry would take it initially. Barry nodded his head after a couple seconds and shrugged his shoulders just as the waitress approached them with their food and drinks on a tray.

"Enjoy," she said with a kind smile.

"Thanks," Barry responded with an equally kind smile.

The waitress's smile grew slightly as her eyes raked over Barry, Leonard didn't realise he was glaring at the waitress until she made eye contact with him and the smile slipped off her face and she hurried away.

"You know its bad manners to scare off the person serving your food," Barry pointed out with a knowing smirk ( _Barry should not be smirking at him_!).

Leonard waved it off dismissively "Doesn't she know its bad manners to look at you like you're a piece of meat when you're with someone?" he said.

Barry's smirk seemed to grow somehow and damn it looked good on him "Was Captain Cold-" he started to say.

"If you finish that sentence with jealous then I will not hesitate to use my cold gun on you the next time I lay eyes on you," Leonard said effectively cutting Barry off and silencing him for a minute or so.

"O-kay," Barry said laughing lightly.

Leonard found it incredibly hard to suppress an eye roll. "Shut up and eat your food," he said trying to not sound amused.

"Aye aye, captain." Barry said.

* * *

Barry's exhausted in the way where you've eaten too much food and a long drive back home is easily capable of sending him off to the land of sleep. He's holding back from falling asleep in the car because he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Len before he had to retreat back to Joe's.

"I don't know how to thank you for this apartment," Barry said before he yawned.

Len shrugged his shoulder lightly "The least I could do," he said.

Barry was going to say that Len was being ridiculous but his phone went off alerting him to a new message. **IW – BA** [ _Sorrry if wke ou, I feeell sickk._ ] Barry couldn't hold back the huff of laughter at the sight of Iris's drunken texting.

"Something up?" Len asked softly as they entered Barry's neighbourhood.

Barry motioned to his phone "Iris is home," he said "all spelling goes out the window when she's drunk but weirdly enough the commas and full stops are still intact."

"Journalists for you," Len commented sounding equally as tired as Barry felt.

* * *

Barry closed the front door behind him quietly as to not disturb Iris, he knew she'd set up camp on the bathroom floor. In the spirit of being a good brother he slipped his shoes off, moved to the kitchen to grab some tablets and a glass of water for her. After he gathered the tablets and water, he turned the kitchen light off and navigated the stairs in the dark which wasn't as difficult as anticipated when both hands were full.

"Iris?" Barry called out softly.

A small groan came from the bathroom like he had predicted. He pushed the door open slightly before he moved to sit on the bathroom floor beside Iris who looked worse for wear. "I come baring gifts," he said as he placed the glass of water on the floor beside her and placed the two tablets in her hand.

"Thank you," Iris groaned again before she put both tablets in her mouth and took a large mouthful of water.

Barry smiled softly at her "Good night?" he asked already knowing the answer.

"Too many shots," Iris sighed as she rubbed her eyes with her hands "Linda and Caitlin are lethal together."

Barry chuckled "Drink some more water and then when you're feeling better we'll chuck something in the oven to sober you up."

"I want a shower," Iris said pouting in the dark.

"You can have a shower after you've drank some water and eaten something," Barry said "I don't want to worry about you falling over and hurting yourself."

Iris moved so her head was resting against Barry's shoulder "You're the best brother ever," she said sounding close to tears "I know things are shitty for you right now but you've just pushed on and not let it bother you. I don't know how you do it."

"C'mon, finish your water." Barry said as he placed the cool glass into Iris's hand.

* * *

"I still have one more name on my list; don't make me add you to it." There's a big green fog in front of him. It's coming closer. Green fog is bad; it's going to hurt him. His hands turned in the bedsheets gripping them tightly. It's in him, in his lungs. Oh god, he can't breathe, _he can't breathe._

Coughing. Need oxygen. Can't breathe. Oxygen, he needs oxygen.

He tried to take in oxygen, he can't breathe. Why can't he breathe?

"Barry!" Someone's shaking him "Barry!"

"Can't," Barry coughed "breathe."

Ow! His eyes open finally and he sits up in bed, drenched in sweat with a pounding headache. One of his cheeks sting.

"Barry?!" Iris asked looking concerned, phone in hand.

Barry looked around his room feeling slightly disorientated. He's in his bedroom, there's no big green fog. He can breathe. His bedsheets are all over the place. The duvet is on the floor and the bedsheet is pulled off the edges of the mattress and he's tangled up in them.

"What happened?" Iris asked softly, concern written all over her face.

Barry could feel his heart racing in his chest "I…" he said as he took in another big deep breathe "it was a nightmare." he didn't know what it was but it felt so real.

"Barry you were making these a _wful_ noises, it sounded like you were choking on something and then you were saying you couldn't breathe and you wouldn't let me anywhere near you. I… I slapped you but it did the trick, you woke up!" Iris said.

Barry heaved in another breath and the relief shooting through him was so strong he almost felt like he could cry, oxygen was a beautiful, beautiful thing!

"I'm sorry," Barry said "I… I don't even remember what it was." He lied. He didn't know why he lied. It slipped out.

Iris placed her phone on his bedside table "Don't apologise," she said "it happens."

"I didn't mean to wake you up," he said "especially when you are so clearly sporting a hangover."

Iris raised her eyebrows "Do you want me to hit you again?" she asked. If the stinging in his cheek was anything to go by then no, he most definitely didn't want Iris to hit him again.

"Seriously though, you scared the shit out of me!" she said.

"I'm sorry," Barry apologised.

" _don't make me add you to it,_ " ran through Barry's mind and he took in another deep breath to remind himself it was a dream, it had only been a dream!

* * *

 **A/N: I've been so busy and i felt so bad about the lack of updates recently so here's another chapter for all you lovely reviewers**

 **xoxo**


	9. why don't we just run away?

' _why don't we just run away?_ '

"Thank you all again," Barry said as he smiled appreciatively at Joe, Iris, Cisco and Caitlin as they all bundled out of Barry's new apartment. Everyone was thoroughly exhausted with cleaning, moving in numerous boxes and setting up furniture. Barry guessed Cisco had missed his super speed if his protests had been anything to go by.

Joe turned to look back at him with a somewhat sad smile on his face "Call if you need anything, son." He said.

"Will do," Barry said as he watched the four of them disappear around the corner.

He'd thought it'd feel weird living by himself after staying at Joe's for such a long time but he needed to get on with his life, he still felt bad about Cisco and Caitlin still working at STAR labs when there was no Flash to keep them there any more. He leaned back against his front door once it was closed and looked at his surprisingly clean living room. Barry barely had a moment to himself, one of his windows was being tapped on and Barry legit almost jumped out of his skin upon seeing the dark silhouette outside his window. The tapping on the window continued before the man removed his hood. It was Len. Barry made his way across the living room to open the window.

"And you couldn't have used the front door like a normal person because?" He asked before he quickly shut the window again, the cold air making him shiver slightly.

Len shrugged off his coat "I thought it'd be different if I walked up your fire escape," he said "and West was here, didn't think you'd be able to come up with a believable story as to why I was visiting you." He added with a smirk.

Barry felt slightly offended at that "I could have come up with a believable story," he said.

Len raised his eyebrows as if to suggest that he didn't believe Barry, they'd both moved to the couch in front of the television. "Barry you once text me to say that you couldn't think of an excuse as to why you were late so you admitted to still being in bed," Len pointed out.

"That doesn't count," Barry said as he angled himself so his whole body was facing Len on the couch "I don't remember that so how can I be sure that happened?" he asked with a grin.

Len looked like he wanted to roll his eyes at him "You can't play the amnesia card," he said "that's not fair."

"What?" Barry asked laughing "how is that unfair, it's a valid explanation because it actually happened."

Len shrugged lightly "How can I be sure it happened?" he asked "I wasn't there to witness it; this could be a whole charade."

Barry shook his head laughing softly "You're ridiculous," he said.

"Maybe," Len said "dinner is on the way, I ordered on my way over."

* * *

Barry is warm, full and comfortable. It's a good combination after a long day, he really could drift off to sleep but that would be considered rude when he had a guest over who looked as equally warm and comfortable. It's after they've eaten a pizza that the two of them are sat closely together, a blanket wrapped around their shoulders and a film playing on the tv.

"Do you ever wonder how different your life would be in a different world?" Barry asked softly, genuinely intrigued by the answer.

Len hummed softly for a moment "Do you always get this philosophical on a Friday evening?" he asked just as softly before he added "occasionally I've wondered if things would have turned out differently if I had made different choices."

Barry turned his head slightly so his smile was hidden from view by Len's shoulder. "Yeah?" he asked "what would be different?"

Len was silent for a moment and Barry wondered briefly if he'd pushed too far.

"I don't know," Len murmured eyes trained on the television "I would have finished high school, maybe would have gone to college."

Barry moved his head to lean on Len's shoulder as he pondered his own question. "If things had been different, I don't think I'd of been a CSI." He admitted "I only ever joined the force to do my bit to help justice be served."

"What would you be doing then if things had turned out differently?" Len asked sounding intrigued.

That was a good question and it had Barry thinking, _what_ would he be doing if his mum was still alive and his dad wasn't currently locked up? It was hard to imagine doing anything different right now. "I don't know," Barry admitted "I doubt I'd be running around as the Flash."

Barry was quickly growing to enjoy these spontaneous intimate moments with Len, he found himself idly wondering when he was at his lab what Len would be doing or if Len wanted to meet up in the evening…

"Do you miss it?" Len asked softly.

"Can't miss something you don't remember," Barry sighed "there are moments when I feel guilty though, when I'm at work and we catch a meta-human case or Cisco and Caitlin sitting at STAR labs running tests and analysing the results to only get the same result."

"You've still not remembered anything?" Len asked.

Barry's mind took him back to his dream from two weeks ago. " _don't make me add you to it_ ," and the not being able to breathe. He'd done his best to keep his mind occupied.

"Nothing," Barry said, again it just slipped out of his mouth. He wanted to change the subject. "So when do I get to meet this sister of yours?" he asked "Well… when do I get to meet her again?" he added. He knew a bit about Lisa mostly through Cisco who clearly had a bit of a crush on her.

Len moved so he was looking at Barry, he had a strange look on his face for the briefest of moments. "You want to meet Lisa?" he asked.

"I still need to thank her for my keyring," Barry said " _and_ you never got back to me about thanking Hartley." He added as he poked Len in the ribs softly.

If Len had a strange look before he definitely had an odd look on his face now. "Are you being serious?" he asked "Barry you're practically talking about _meeting_ and _thanking_ members of the Rogues. Rathaway almost got you killed and blew your identity to the rest of his team, what exactly do you want to thank him for?"

Well Barry certainly hadn't anticipated this reaction from Len; he didn't understand why the man was so against any of it.

"I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hartley _may_ have thought I was there to mess up their job but when he found out I was involved with you then he wasn't too bad. As for his team, that was partially my own fault too. Len, I'm fine and Hartley and his team made sure I wasn't implicated in any of it." Barry said.

Len shook his head lightly "I never thought I'd hear you defend Hartley Rathaway," he commented.

* * *

"Barry!" Caitlin said when he walked into STAR labs "Are you okay?" she asked.

Barry smiled at the stunned looks on Caitlin and Cisco's faces; it was very rare for him to drop by unannounced lately. He only dropped by when Caitlin needed to run some tests.

"I'm fine," Barry said "I actually wanted to talk to you guys about something." He added as he moved to stand in the middle of the room.

"Sure, man. What's bothering you?" Cisco asked, lollipop in his mouth and an empty packet of sweets beside him.

Barry wondered briefly how he was going to word what he wanted to say, he hadn't really thought about it until he was stood looking at the two of them. "I appreciate you guys maintaining STAR labs on the off chance that I might regain my memories and my speed," he said "but I shouldn't be holding you two back."

Caitlin was the first to look like she didn't agree with a word Barry said. "You're not holding us back Barry," she said.

"You guys should be somewhere that provides you with a stable income and recognition for your amazing work," he said.

Cisco stood up from the chair he was sitting in "Working with the Flash has given us amazing opportunities Bear," he said "we've been in talks with CCPD about joining the meta-human task force behind the scenes of course, Caitlin will do her tests and I'll do what I do best and build amazing tech to stop them."

"And we get to do our work right here," Caitlin said "you're not holding us back Barry, you've given us a window of opportunity to continue saving people's lives and stopping the bad guys."

Barry fiddled with a button on his jacket "Doesn't that put you in more danger than before? People know you know who the Flash is." He pointed out.

"No more than before," Caitlin said "only a handful of people know and this way we earn money doing what we do best… stopping meta-humans." She added smiling at him.

Barry nodded his head "I just, I didn't want you guys to stay here because of me." He said softly. It definitely eased his mind somewhat to know that Caitlin and Cisco were not sacrificing their careers because of him.

* * *

Leonard was stuck in a rare moment of being alone, no Barry, no Lisa, no Rogue business – it was just him sat by himself and it was peaceful. It had felt like he hadn't stopped in the past couple of weeks. He'd barely seen his own sister and he knew Lisa would be rounding on him soon because of this.

"There you are," Lisa said from the doorway "It's been two weeks Lenny, _two weeks_."

Leonard let out a breath "I know," he said "I've been… busy."

Lisa had her hands on her hips and an eyebrow raised at him "Doing _what_ exactly?" she asked.

"Just busy Lisa," Leonard said "drop it, okay?"

"Lenny you've been ignoring my calls and dodging my texts," Lisa said sounding slightly hurt "I didn't know if you were hurt or in trouble or-"

Leonard cut her off before she could continue jumping to outrageous conclusions. "It's not my fault you decide to call or text when I've been _busy_ with Barry," he said.

Lisa's face immediately morphed from hurt to slightly repulsed "Oh my god Lenny! Too much info!" she said her face going slightly red.

"No!" Leonard said immediately when he realised how that could have come across "Not like that, no. I meant I've been helping him with his apartment." He added.

"You're so into him aren't you?" she said with a massive grin.

Leonard chose to ignore her statement "He wants to meet you…again," he said "and he wants me to thank Rathaway for him."

"I think I need to sit down," Lisa said as she moved to sit on the couch "because I could've sworn you just said _Barry_ wants you to thank that asshole. I hope you told him how much of a self-indulgent jackass he is."

Leonard lifted a shoulder to mimic a shrug "He had none of it," he said "just wants me to thank him."

Lisa had a scowl on her face; it appeared whenever Hartley Rathaway was mentioned in her presence.

"You should set up a date for dinner," Lisa said out of nowhere.

"Why?" Leonard asked.

"You said Barry wants to meet me," Lisa said "set up a date for dinner and I'll be there. Make it Italian."

This was all Leonard needed, Lisa encouraging Barry's want to be more involved with people from the Rogues. Before he knew it Mick would be buddy-buddy with Barry too.

"Fine," Leonard said "but just don't be full on, he obviously has no recollection of who you are."

Lisa rolled her eyes at him "Oh please," she said as she flicked her hair to the side "you worry too much Lenny, it'll be fine. Your boyfriend will _love_ me."

"He's not my boyfriend," Leonard corrected quickly.

* * *

Barry was quickly becoming accustomed to living alone, it was somewhat peaceful and a nice way to wind down from work. The added bonus was that Len often visited in the evenings so he was never truly _alone_. It made meeting up with Len a lot easier too, he didn't need to sneak out or sneak back in.

 **LS – BA** [ _Saturday evening- keep it free._ ]

Barry looked over the text before replying.

 **BA – LS** [ _Sure but why? & you not coming over tonight?_]

Barry had to wait a whole minute and thirty seconds before a reply come in.

 **LS – BA** [ _Dinner with Lisa at an Italian place. I'm at the store picking up something for dinner, won't be long._ ]

Barry was aware of the goofy grin on his face; Len had this effect on him.

 **BA – LS** [ _We could have just ordered in…_ ]

The response was instant.

 **LS – BA** [ _We order in way too much_.]

Barry withheld his comment about how domestic Len was being by shopping for groceries for dinner; he'd probably be threatened with the cold gun again. Barry didn't take those threats too seriously though. Barry moved off the couch reluctantly as he moved to the kitchen to start setting the table, he had quickly learnt that if there was one thing Len upheld then it would be eating at a table.

There was knocking at his door and Barry had to say he was impressed, Len hadn't said how long he was going to be. The knocking continued as Barry made his way across to the front door and thought Len was being pretty impatient.

"Alright, Len, no need to bang the door dow- Iris. Hey." He said as he opened the front door to Iris who stood with a take-out bag in hand and a raised eyebrow.

"Who is this Len you speak of?" Iris asked as she walked past Barry and into his apartment "you set the table? It's almost as if you knew I was coming." She added with a grin.

Barry turned to look at the space where Iris had been standing to where she was bustling around in his kitchen. "I… uh… what are you doing here Iris?" he asked.

"I thought I'd surprise you with dinner," Iris said as she motioned to the take-out bag again "but I'm more interested in this Len you were talking about." She added.

Barry had no words. None. This had to of been a joke, Len was out getting stuff for their dinner and here Iris was with take-out for dinner. He hadn't even thought about telling Iris about him and Len yet, let alone plan on the two colliding coincidentally.

"It's a bit of a long story," Barry admitted as he glanced at Iris again, still stuck to the floor where the front door was.

Iris looked up at him with a smile before it fell off her face.

"Barry, why is Captain Cold stood at your door with a bag full of groceries?" she asked.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all for being so patient with me! I had no idea what to write so i thought i'd have a bit of a break and taa daa! I was meant to post it last night but i was so tired! Enjoy :) xoxox**


	10. come and find me in the dark now

_'come and find me in the dark now'_

"Barry!" Caitlin said, it's lost on Barry though. He can barely hear her, he's got to focus on his breathing, _and he can't breathe._

"The poisons still in me," He wheezed to the man in the wheelchair beside him, the light above him is too bright and he needs to breathe. Barry's both hot and cold and he can barely understand the conversation going on around him, he's focused on the pounding of his heart as panic starts to set in. Caitlin's saying something to him but he doesn't care, he wants to breathe!

 _"What poison, what is he talking about?"_

 _"I don't know, is he hyperventilating?"_

"Do it," he wheezed, he'd let them do whatever the hell they wanted right now if it meant he could take a normal breath of oxygen.

 _"Do what!?"_

"This is going to hurt a lot," Caitlin said looking at him seriously.

"It's a small needle, you probably won't feel it." Cisco said in a voice that Barry assumed was used to try and calm him down.

"You're definitely going to feel it," Caitlin said.

And then there was pain, a sharp pain in his chest. He gasped at the feeling of air finally rushing to his lungs.

"Barry!" A mix of two voices said as the bright light, Cisco, Caitlin and STAR labs disappeared before his eyes and he was met with the sight of both Len and Iris on either side of him and looking very concerned. It took him a moment to remember he had been having a very awkward dinner with Len and Iris and now he was… Barry was on the floor.

Why was he on the floor?

"Fucking hell Barry," Len murmured as he slowly helped him into a sitting position "you scared the shit out of me."

Barry looked between Iris and Len again before he sighed. "I'm sorry," he said unable to think of anything else to say "I don't know what came over me."

"You said the poison was still in you," Iris said softly as she looked between Len and Barry and then shook her head lightly "it's… it's bizarre seeing you two be so close together." She added more softly.

Barry rubbed a hand over his face before he looked at Len's hand resting in his. "I've been having these… I don't know what to call them; this is the second time it's happened. I guess I've been remembering something, it comes in flashes really. I just… I couldn't breathe and I think it's somehow connected to the green mist I dreamt of." Barry said.

"You've been remembering stuff?" Iris asked looking hopeful.

"Green mist," Len murmured "Nimbus perhaps."

"Nimbus?" Barry asked.

Iris looked like she was deep in thought for a moment before she nodded her head with a look of recognition. "Kyle Nimbus, he can become a poisonous green mist. You faced him ages ago; I remember writing a piece about it." She said.

Len moved his hand from Barry's and placed it on his shoulder with a concerned look on his face. "You should go see Cisco and Caitlin Snow if you've been remembering stuff, Barry." He said.

Barry actually wanted to laugh considering the pounding headache he had and the slight echo of an ache in his chest at the situation he was in. Here Leonard Snart was comforting him in front of his best friend who looked pretty freaked out about the whole ordeal.

"Snar- Leonard is right Barry; tomorrow we're going to STAR labs first thing and hopefully this is the sign of many more memories coming back." Iris said.

Barry nodded his head "Can we get back to our awkward dinner after that embarrassing moment?" he asked.

"It's not awkward," Iris said as she helped Len get Barry back up to his feet, not that Barry needed the help.

"It's… new," Len said as he seated himself back in his seat around Barry's very small circular dining table.

If Barry had thought dinner had been awkward before well it was certainly turning out to be a very bizarre experience for him. He'd heard some things about Len from Joe and that had increased his anxiety about telling Iris about Len but here the two of them were talking pleasantly and even laughing at the other.

Eventually Iris leaves after the three of them get through a bottle of wine.

* * *

The two of them are snuggled on Barry's couch in the soft glow of the lamp on the table beside the couch watching an old film that was playing on the television when Barry numerously caught Len opening his mouth and then closing it again. Barry didn't think Len was the type to hold back whatever he wanted to say.

"What is it?" Barry yawned, the wine hitting him.

Len glanced down at him "It's just earlier," he murmured "it was daunting seeing you just… go like that, I didn't know what was happening or what to do to help. I just felt a bit useless and you were talking about poisons and just doing it… it was a tense couple of minutes." he added.

Barry placed his chin on Len's shoulder "I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable," he said softly near Len's ear.

He definitely didn't miss the shudder that Len tried to repress.

"It's not your fault," Len said softly, eyes trained firmly on the television and Barry couldn't help the amused grin that made its way to his lips "I'm glad you're finally remembering stuff."

Barry moved closer moving his nose so it was resting against the soft skin of Len's neck; Len's aftershave really was quite intoxicating and made Len smell _irresistibly_ good. Barry enjoyed the way Len seemed to curl his hands into fists as he fought to maintain his attention on the screen.

"I should've mentioned something sooner," Barry murmured, lips brushing against Len's skin. This is probably the most intimate they had ever been together and it felt like everything they had been through was leading to this, Barry liked how slow Len was taking things between them as it showed how serious the man was and Barry really found that quite refreshing.

Len was silent and unmoving for a moment. "Barry," he said and it sounded quite pained "what are you doing?"

"Nothing," Barry huffed out amused, wondering how Len would react if he started to press his lips against the exposed skin of neck "why, what's wrong?" he asked innocently. Barry chuckled softly at the slight whine that escaped from Len's mouth, he moved his gaze upwards to see Len shift slightly and before Barry could open his mouth to ask if Len was uncomfortable with Barry showing some affection, Len had his hands on either side of Barry's head and was then pulling him and their lips were connected.

At first it was a bit rough, a clash of teeth and noses being bumped until it wasn't rough and Len's hands were softly caressing the back of his neck and the side of his jaw. Barry himself was using his hands to touch the side of Len's face and curl around the back of his neck.

Soon enough air was becoming essential and they were pulling apart, foreheads resting against one another and Barry felt at peace.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that," Len said.

Barry smiled "You know you're soon be sounding like you stepped out a romcom if you keep talking like that," he said repeating the words Len once said to him.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey everyone, I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG! my laptop broke and had to be sent back to the shop to be repaired _AND IT TOOK A BLOODY WEEK!_ I was so not happy. I know this is an incredibly short chapter but I wanted to give all you lovely patient people something for being so patient with me. **


	11. are you with me?

_'are you with me?'_

Barry smiled as his nose bumped against Len's, he loved placing his hands on Len's thick woolly jumper and then balling it up in his fists as he pulled the man in impossibly closer during a kiss. Barry was quickly learning that Len could either be incredibly soft and sweet when kissing or he could be very rough and passionate. He didn't mind which pace it was, he just really liked being close and intimate with Len.

Len used his hands to keep Barry pinned to the wall as he attacked his lips before he slowly inched his head away and rested his forehead down on Barry's shoulder as he took in a couple deep breaths. Barry took the opportunity to get a good amount of oxygen flowing around his system again. Ever since the whole Iris incident it had been difficult to get Len on his own for a long period of time again.

"I've missed you," Barry murmured softly as he let his head rest against the wall behind him.

Len looked up at him with a curious gaze "Me too," he replied "it shouldn't be like this for much longer." He added.

Barry let out a sigh "It's been a week and a half," he pointed out "Iris isn't going to say anything to Joe. You don't need to worry about it ever happening again."

Len stepped away from Barry with a look of exasperation on his face "Next time it might not be Iris that catches us, it could be West. Or it could be Cisco. It could be anyone Barry and it could happen anywhere. We've been reckless with this thing of ours."

"Reckless?" Barry scoffed "we've met at midnight while shopping, we ate breakfast at like two in the morning and when we went for dinner we went out of Central City. Len we can't hide forever, eventually someone else _will_ find out and there's nothing we can do about that."

Len crossed his arms over his chest "Not if we can help it," he said sternly.

Barry ran a hand through his hair and over his face "I'm not living like this forever Len," he said "I don't possibly get how this can work forever."

"Well how do you see this panning out _Barry_?" Len asked with a sarcastic emphasis on his name "West will open his arms and welcome us right? Your friends will forget everything I've put them through right? We'll all be on big _happy_ family that have turned a blind eye to all my past criminal activity?" he continued his voice rising so he was shouting "You're living a delusion Barry if you think that, in the end this was never going to work and you know it."

Barry couldn't believe not ten minutes ago he was up against the wall happily oblivious to the argument that was about to take place. He was honestly so shocked by how quickly the atmosphere had changed between them.

"Well," Barry said ashamed of how shaky his voice sounded "if that's how you feel then why didn't you stop this from happening? Because apparently I'm the fool that falls for you and I'm the only one in this thing of ours that is willing to go through whatever shit that happens in order for this to work."

Len was grabbing his coat that he had hung on the back of one of Barry's dining chairs "Well this was clearly not well thought through on either of our parts," he snapped.

Barry stared at him stunned for a moment "Len," he said softly "please, we can work something out okay?"

"Bye Barry," Len said before he was storming out of Barry's apartment leaving him with an emotion caught in his throat and his eyes burning with tears.

* * *

People kept calling him and he wasn't feeling sociable at all, he wanted one day to himself if that was too much to ask. Joe called twice, left no message. Iris called once, no voicemail. Both Cisco and Caitlin tried reaching him three times but he just let it go through to voicemail. He shouldn't feel resentful towards his friends and family but ultimately they were a deciding factor in Len leaving him and they had been hanging over Barry's relationship with Len since the very beginning as it seemed.

Barry supposed he could either mope around or he could get himself in the shower, get dressed and go about his life. He'd spent the past two days moping around his apartment that _Len_ had helped him get, he'd spent the rest of the evening in bed with a bottle of coca cola and a bottle of vodka and a packet of chilli Dorito crisps as he binged watched a Netflix show for four hours straight until he was inebriated enough to cry and not remember doing so the next morning.

He had woken slightly confused as to why he was hugging a cold empty glass bottle of vodka and sleeping in a load of chilli Dorito crumbs. The hangover had him hugging the toilet bowl for a whole morning and it was at that point in which Barry realised he'd probably reached the lowest he'd ever felt after a break-up… could it even be considered as breaking up when they had never really labelled themselves?

Barry drank a pint of water after finally being able to stomach some toast and decided to pick up his gym bag and work out some frustration on a gym bag or two. He'd done enough moping around the apartment.

As it so happened, Iris had been lingering outside his building.

"Barry!" she exclaimed as he exited the warm building and entered the somewhat cold street "you've been dodging my calls, have you been getting busy with a certain Captain Cold?" she asked as she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively while falling into step with him.

"Don't want to talk about it," Barry said as he kept his gaze trained ahead.

"You look awful," she commented "are you feeling okay?" she asked sounding concerned.

"I'm fine," he said in the same flat voice as before.

"…No you're not," Iris eventually said "look tonight you, me, a bottle of whatever alcoholic drink you want, some Chinese food and a film. No talking necessary." She added.

Barry stopped walking as he looked at his best friend for the first time since they'd started walking "Thank you," he said sincerely because that sounded like something he needed "I'll see you tonight."

"Barry," Iris said reaching her hand out to rest on his forearm "whatever's happened just remember you're not always going to feel like this." She added.

Barry nodded his head in thanks and continued on down to the gym.

* * *

It actually felt somewhat good to get some of his pent up frustration out on a punch bag. He didn't have to think or feel, he just had to _do_.

Barry was in the changing room when a familiar voice from his left said "Wondered if I'd be running into you again at some point,"

Barry looked up to see Hartley standing there, a towel thrown over his shoulder and freshly dressed after a shower. " _Barry you need to get out of there. Get out of there immediately._ " A voice he recognised said in his mind, the voice sounded worried and concerned. He shook his head slightly.

"Barry?" Hartley said but it sounded very distant to him.

He was standing over Hartley though on a road at night time and Hartley was wearing all black, sneering up to Barry " _Amazing, he replaced me with you, a total moron. I got you with the same trick twice._ " He said.

Then there was pain in his head and his body was vibrating and he couldn't stop. His whole body hurt and his insides _burned_.

" _I wonder if Harrison would even miss you,_ " Barry heard Hartley say as he felt the cold and wet road beneath him, trying to focus on something but it was impossible to do so when his insides felt like they were going to burst and his head felt like it was about to explode.

"Barry!" Hartley sounded so distant.

Then it stopped, the pain and the vibrating just stopped. It was then just him lying on the cold road trying to gather his thoughts and control his breathing and Hartley lay at the edge of the road just a bit further away from him.

Barry frowned as he looked up from his hands to see Hartley sat beside him looking slightly freaked out. "What the hell was that all about?" he asked sounding slightly breathless.

"I…" Barry said as the piece of memory found its place in his mind "I think I remember you trying to kill me." He said.

Hartley's mouth opened and he had a range of emotions flicker over his face before he settled on looking cautious "Ah," he said "would that be the first or second time?" he asked.

Barry huffed out a laugh at how nonchalant he sounded "I honestly don't know," he said "I guess we came a long way since then huh." he added as he thought back to when Hartley had saved his job by chucking him out of a moving vehicle.

"I suppose so," Hartley said.

* * *

"Lenny I can't believe I have to keep asking but when am I finally going to be sitting down to have dinner with Ba-" Lisa said idly as she walked into the kitchen with a magazine in hand.

Leonard slammed the metal teaspoon on the counter top "You're not," he snapped "so stop bringing it up."

"What?" Lisa asked looking up from the gossip column of the magazine "why not?"

Leonard grabbed his cup off the counter "Why can't you understand the basic concept of what I'm telling you?" he asked "we are not sitting down for dinner with Barry at any point in time, understood?"

Lisa's look of surprise soon turned sour "What happened?" she asked in that tone that Leonard recognised as her not giving him an option but to spill about everything.

Leonard didn't want to talk about it because ultimately he had overreacted about something as small as Barry's closest friend accidentally intruding on their time together. It had Leonard thinking about how much longer Barry and he could continue behind Barry's family and friend's backs and that kind of nailed home how odd their relationship would seem to outsiders.

"We broke up," Leonard said curtly "end of story."

Could it be considered as breaking up? He never outright referred to Barry as his _anything_ really.

He certainly felt shitty though, this time was a lot worse than the first time they had broken up.

Lisa sat down at the table with a sympathetic look on her face "Do I need to shoot a son of a bitch?" she asked with a hint of determination in her tone.

"Just leave him alone," Leonard sighed softly as he sat opposite his sister "Barry did nothing wrong." He added as he stared at the wooden table top as he remembered Barry telling him that he had fallen for him and Leonard had just walked right out the door. He could see how it must have seen to Barry, how cold and uncaring he must have come across.

"Lenny," Lisa said as she moved from her seat to throw her arms around her brothers neck, they were never ones for displays of affection for each other but it was appreciated.

"It's fine," Leonard said awkwardly "I have more time to put into planning our next job."

Lisa released him from her arms "If you say so Lenny," she said before picking her magazine up from the table and leaving Leonard to have some peace before he busied his mind.

* * *

Before Iris made an appearance at his apartment Barry thought it would probably do him some good to bin the empty bottle of vodka, place the now flat coca cola in the bin as well and discard of his chilli heatwave Dorito crumb infested sheets into the washing machine. No need for anyone else to witness one of his lowest points.

Barry had made the mistake of turning on the radio while he scrubbed the last of the dirty dishes from the night before, he'd be scrubbing away the last meal he had eaten with Len. He was halfway through the washing when the radio host announced the next song and Barry just groaned.

" _Hello, it's me, I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet, to go over everything_." Adele sang filling up his silent kitchen.

"Nope!" Barry said loudly as he grabbed a tea towel and dried his hands as he turned the radio off at the wall "no, no, no."

Adele was never good to listen to when you already emotionally felt like utter shit. Luckily Iris knocked on the door to save Barry from sinking any lower.

"I brought two bottles of white wine, a bottle of vodka, Chinese takeout and the Die Hard films." Iris announced loudly as she made her way through the apartment and to the kitchen "I thought what could go wrong with wine and vodka so it's your decision." She added smiling softly at Barry.

Barry grabbed two wine glasses from the cupboard "You are literally the best," he said.

Iris shrugged "I do my best," she said.

Barry chuckled as he opened the wine while Iris dished up their dinner onto their respective plates.

"Oh," Iris said "Dad's asked if you want to come round for dinner tomorrow?"

"Of course," Barry said as he grabbed his plate and offered Iris her glass of wine in which she accepted.

Barry then followed Iris through to the living room and ignored looking at the window that looked out over the city because Len climbing his fire escape was over and Barry intended to fill himself with Chinese and wine tonight.

* * *

 **A/N: Oh my goodness I never set out for the chapter to go this way so please don't kill me guys! but seriously the vodka and dorito thing is a sort of accurate account of how I reacted to a break up {the show i binge watched was Sense8 - you guys should check it out if you haven't!}**

 **have extra hugs and kisses from me to tide you over  
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**


	12. but these seconds are valuable

_'but these seconds are valuable breathe in change or let it go'_

Caitlin and Cisco seem to be finding it very promising that Barry is regaining his memories, the order of which they return is apparently very random but they seem confident that Barry's speed will soon appear. He's happily participated in the various tests and scans they were keen to do and now Barry is just exhausted.

It's not even been a week since Len had left him behind without so much as a second glance; it appeared to have been so easy for the older man to just _leave_. Barry found it was easier to pretend that he was okay when he was busy with tasks in his lab or when he was undergoing one of Caitlin's various scans; it was the evening time that proved hardest to _forget_. How could he possibly forget the warm, caring, charming and considerate Len that he had stupidly fallen for?

He knew his moping wasn't going to solve anything, that getting up and getting himself back out there would be the best thing to do but he had no motivation to find anyone else. Barry was about ready to grab his bag of chilli heatwave crisps along with his chosen alcoholic beverage and retire to his bed to carry on his binge watching marathon when there were three sharp knocks on the door that startled the life out of him.

Barry was stuck between ignoring whoever was at the door and going to bed or answering the door to sort whatever it was so he could go to bed without any further interruptions when there was another three sharp knocks on his door followed by "Barry, I know you're in there."

Barry opened the door surprised mostly at Hartley standing on the other side looking very smartly dressed.

"…Uh, how do you know where I live?" he asked as Hartley walked into his apartment gazing around curiously quickly before he turned to face Barry.

"I've got sources," Hartley said "anyway get dressed, we're going out."

Barry knew his mouth fell open slightly but he was caught off guard. "We," he said as he gestured between the two of them "us two going out?" he asked slightly unsure if he had misheard the man in front of him.

Hartley looked like he was exasperated with Barry already "Yes," he said "I figured the least I owed you was a drink for pushing you out of a moving car and you look like you need cheering up so just go get dressed before I change my mind."

"I… uh, yeah okay. Thanks." He said as he moved in the direction of his bedroom.

Barry had literally just picked up the clothes he'd thrown on his bedroom floor less than an hour ago figuring they were suitable enough for a drink with a guy that had apparently tried to kill him more than once who then later on saved him from becoming under suspicion at work. He left the bedroom to find Hartley poking around his belongings, when he turned around he looked at Barry as if to say 'really?' Barry didn't think he looked _that_ bad.

"No," Hartley said flatly "at least put _some_ effort into it Barry, you're not going to pick any one up with that kind of attitude."

Barry frowned "I don't want to find a one night stand if that's what you're trying to do," he said.

He was hit square in the face with a cushion seconds later "Go change your clothes," Hartley said "and then you're going to come out, have a drink, flirt with some strangers and then come home feeling better about yourself. Got it?"

Barry was half tempted to salute Hartley but instead he settled with a "Got it," before retreating back to his bedroom to find something that made him look and feel half decent.

* * *

 _'lord, forgive me for the things i've done i was never meant to hurt no one'_

Leonard sat at the somewhat crowded bar as he nursed a whiskey in his tumbler, he didn't mind being by himself as it allowed him to spend some quality time wallowing in self-pity and drinking himself numb. He wasn't bitter about Mick being too busy with this new mystery woman of his to join him in his pity party, he was happy for his friend. Mick seemed to be quite chilled out since meeting her.

Lisa had just looked at Leonard with a look close to exasperation as she declined his offer; she'd said it was his own fault he was feeling like this. Well, Lisa wasn't wrong there. Leonard mentally tipped his tumbler to Lisa, if he'd actually carried out the action it would have looked odd to the bartender who was looking like he was considering taking Leonard aside and talking about what has him frequenting his bar again.

"Snart," a deep voice said from behind him "what you doin' here lookin' down in the dumps for?" It took Leonard more effort than usual to turn around in his seat (maybe he'd already had too much to drink) and look at David Lestrange "last I heard you had a beau takin' up your time."

"Anyone ever tell you to mind your own business Lestrange?" Leonard asked "Lestrange…" he murmured to himself before he gestured for an anxious looking David to come closer "are you related to a Bellatrix Lestrange?" he asked before laughing to himself.

David looked confused "Never heard of her," he said "could be some relation down the line I guess…"

Leonard couldn't help the laugh that came out at David's words. "Well… if there is she could always pass a message on to _you-know-who_ ," he said attempting to whisper.

"No," David said slowly "…who?" he asked.

"David, please tell me you know who Bellatrix Lestrange is." Leonard said as he made a grab for David's jacket not believing that the man didn't understand the so obvious Harry Potter reference.

David looked uncomfortable as he moved to pry Leonard's hands off his jacket "No clue man," he said before he frowned at something over at the other end of the bar "eh, is that not the guy you tried it on with a while back?" he asked as he pointed out _Barry_.

Barry was at the other end of the bar with Hartley; Leonard downed the rest of his whiskey barely feeling the burn anymore before he placed the glass down on the bar top firmly. "'nother!" he demanded before gesturing to David "he's buying."

Leonard didn't want to have to watch Barry flaunting around the bar so he turned to sit sideways in his seat which might not have been a good idea because he almost toppled out of it due to the lack of back support, David had luckily foreseen something like that happening and used an arm to steady him. "Seriously though," David said "who's this Bellatrix chick?" he asked.

Leonard frowned "Oh David," he said "you should pick up a book every once in a while, you could possibly learn a thing or two… or three or four… or you get it right?"

"I think you should go home Leonard," David said as he tried to manoeuvre Leonard out of his bar stool "you've had far too much to drink and Lisa would kill me if I didn't make sure you got home okay."

Leonard hoped he didn't remember any of this tomorrow because he full on whined "No," before he sighed and added "one more drink?"

"You don't need it," David said and felt quite tense when he tried to manoeuvre Leonard out the seat as he said sounding cautious "dude this guy keeps glaring at me whenever I touch you, let's just get out of here and get you back to Lisa okay?"

Leonard yawned as he closed his eyes suddenly feeling sleepy, normally he'd be in this state by the time he'd gotten home so this was quite new to him. "I want to go," he said "let's go find Lisaaa!" he suggested.

* * *

Drinks with Hartley had a disastrous start as they entered a bar that Barry knew Len frequented and wasn't surprised to see the man sat at the bar with his gaze trained on his drink before a man approached him and then Len was _all over_ him. They'd managed to grab a free booth and sit down.

"Why'd you bring me here?" Barry asked "Did Len ask you to do this?"

Hartley looked offended "I'm _here_ to help you two get back together," he said "that's David, he's a bumbling buffoon so I wouldn't read too much into him and Snart. I brought you here to show you how much of a mess he is without you."

Barry eyed Hartley for a moment "I thought we were here because you were making it up to me about pushing me out of a car," he said "look," he sighed "I told Len I loved him and he still walked out on me, how can I fix something with him when he doesn't even want to fight through the obstacles?" he asked as he looked down at the dirty booth table.

Hartley tapped his fingers along the wooden table for a minute or so allowing them to sit in silence as the sounds of inebriated men filled the bar drowning out any music that could possibly be playing in the background. "Snart's got barriers," Hartley said "I don't know how much you know of his background but if I went through half of what he did then I'd have some pretty tough barriers up as well."

"I understand he's got barriers," Barry said immediately "I do but at the first sign of trouble he just dropped _everything_ like it didn't matter. It wasn't a side of Len I'd seen before and I think I've seen about every side to him, especially when he wanted to rip your head… off." He finished slowly at the look on Hartley's face.

Hartley looked startled before he nodded his head and pushed his glasses up his nose a little awkwardly. "I guess I'd have deserved that," he said.

Barry smiled slightly as he moved his gaze to out the grungy bar window to watch passers-by. He moved his gaze back from the dark dreary streets and to the gaze of Leonard Snart. It takes a second for it to fully sink in that _Len_ is sat opposite him, staring back at Barry with a slight smirk

"Barry," Len said "you're in my neck of the woods, I was just curious. Last time you were here, you were asking for my help." He added with a quirk of his lips.

"A mistake I won't be repeating," Barry sniped back.

" _What?_ "

"I'm sensing some disappointment…" Len said slowly with a hint of amusement in his tone. That smirk was driving Barry crazy on the inside.

Barry crossed his arms tightly over his chest "I have a feeling you're familiar with people being disappointed in you," he commented knowing it was a low blow.

" _Well this took a turn for the weird,_ "

"Ouch, kid." Len chuckled softly "look, kid if you're upset about-"

-about-"You're being weird again Barry," Hartley said as Barry took in his surroundings, the only thing that was different was it was Hartley opposite him instead of Len.

Barry shook his head lightly "I'm sorry," he apologised "I just remembered a… a conversation I had here."

"So you really are remembering stuff now then?" Hartley asked.

Barry nodded his head "It comes in bits and pieces," he said "sometimes it's triggered by something but they seem to come back in a random jumbled up order."

* * *

' _The brightness of the sun, will give me just enough, to bury my love, in the moondust, I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice, to bury my love, in the moondust_ '

Leonard groaned at the loud volume of Lisa's music filtering through his floor from the kitchen and from in his room he could hear Lisa both singing and being extra loud with washing the pots and the pans. He wondered briefly if the loudness of her actions this morning were some form of punishment for whatever he did last night.

Leonard frowned as his hand connected with a bit of paper still half sticking to his face. He pulled the sticky note off his forehead to see the words ' **you're an asshole – David.** ' scrawled in black marker pen. He thought back to what he'd done last night, he remembered going to the bar and ordering a couple drinks and then… then David must have showed up.

" _Who's this Bellatrix chick?_ " Leonard is pretty sure he remembered David asking him that at some point during the night.

There are two taps on his bedroom door before it's being shoved open to reveal Lisa standing with a cup of coffee in her hand "Good you're awake," she said "now you can explain what the hell last night was about!"

Len groaned again "I've just woken up no thanks to you," he said "I don't even remember much from last night so I doubt I can help you out."

Lisa placed the cup of coffee on Leonard's bedside table "Seriously Lenny this can't keep happening," she said "I had David asking me who Bellatrix Lestrange was! He thought I was fucking with him when I told him she's a character out of a book, said you kept asking if he knew her and if he was related to her."

Leonard threw an arm over his eyes as he groaned, he definitely remembered that part of the evening then.

"I know you miss Barry," Lisa said softly "but you're a fucking mess right now and it's down to you. Luckily for you I'm an amazing sister and charged your phone for you and you have two missed calls from him and a text."

"What!?" Len exclaimed.

"Check it out for yourself," Lisa smiled at him as she handed over his phone and left his bedroom.

Leonard checked his notifications to see she hadn't been lying and then moved on to unlock his phone.

 **BA – LS** [ _Hey, I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now but I found some of your belongings. Did you want to come and pick them up or I can drop them off at yours later?_ ]

Leonard let out a sigh as he reread the text over again. He'd been an idiot hadn't he?

 **LS – BA** [ _I'll come by- I think we need to talk._ ]

* * *

 **LS – BA** [ _I'll come by- I think we need to talk._ ] Barry looked at the text and then looked at his apartment, it wasn't awfully messy and it definitely didn't give away any signs that he'd had a complete meltdown days ago. That was something at least. Oh great now he was nervous about seeing Len again after last night _and_ was curious as to what Len would want to talk to him about.

"Alright," Barry said to himself "pull yourself together. It's only Len."

Barry looked down at himself and decided that he didn't want to have this talk with Len while still in his pyjamas.

He figured he had some time to get sorted judging by the state Len had appeared to be in as he left the bar, Barry had watched as Len had been practically dragged out the bar by that man Hartley referred to as 'David' last night. Barry briefly wondered if he would be sporting a hangover and if so should he get a pot of coffee brewing for Len?

* * *

 **A/N: So I had some free time and as I'm acting as Santa tonight alongside my mum I decided writing a chapter for all you lovely people would be a good use of my time! Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you all have a happy and healthy new year :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**


	13. there's a million reasons

_'there's a million reasons why i should give you up but the heart wants what it wants'_

Leonard wasn't a man that felt _nervous_ but here he was feeling nauseous (definitely from the hangover from hell), hands sweating and his heart going a mile a minute. Maybe he was having a heart attack, he'd read about heart attack symptoms a while back and they definitely included feeling nauseous (it's the hangover), sweating (he's nervous) and chest pain (again, he's just nervous!). Leonard shook his head slightly feeling ridiculous; he was only going to grab his stuff from Barry, nothing major to get nervous about something so _insignificant_.

"Pull yourself together _Snart_ ," he mumbled to himself as he reached Barry's floor and suddenly walking _very_ slowly seemed appealing, it would give him some extra time to pull himself together slightly. He wanted to appear calm and composed, both of those things were something Leonard was definitely _not_ feeling right this second.

But wait… _he'd_ been the one to tell Barry they needed to talk. Shit. Fuck. Leonard could just grab his stuff and go, with the way he was feeling he really didn't want to be talking about emotions and shit. He'd dragged this out as long as he could because he was suddenly stood in front of Barry's door, hand getting ready to know when the door opened and there stood Barry looking as shit as Leonard felt.

"Hey," Barry said softly "there's some coffee if you'd like some?"

Leonard let his head drop back slightly "Yes," he sighed "thanks." He added as he followed Barry into the apartment. Leonard had been too busy mentally psyching himself up about not being nervous that he'd walked right past the coffee shop without noticing.

Barry placed a slightly hot cup of coffee in his hands with an uncomfortable air surrounding him. Leonard didn't blame him really, he felt just as on edge.

"How are you feeling?" Barry asked tentatively "you looked pretty drunk last night."

Leonard took a grateful sip and withheld the sigh of appreciation that had almost slipped past his lips. He vaguely remembered seeing Barry but he hadn't been too sure if that had been real or not. "Oh," is what he happened to say "I remember seeing you with Rathaway."

Barry averted his gaze from the other side of the kitchen counter "He said he wanted to show me how much of a mess we were when we're apart," he said "I guess he wasn't wrong. Good night?" he asked.

Leonard physically cringed at the memories that flooded his brain as he set down his cup on the kitchen counter "I asked a guy called David Lestrange if he knew a Bellatrix Lestrange, told him he should read more when he didn't know who I was on about and then proceeded to be sick all over myself so Lisa hates my guts and half of the guys I know now probably think I'm a massive nerd so… yeah, I suppose you could call it a good night." He said summarising his night up as neatly as he possibly could.

That seemed to break the tension in the air around them because Barry broke out into a light laugh at his words. "That's funny," Barry chuckled softly.

"Hartley had no right to intervene in our business," Leonard said flatly as he remembered why he was here "I'll just take my things and get out of your hair." He added.

Barry's face fell slightly "Is it really so bad about my friends and family finding out about us?" he asked softly "I miss you Len, I hate feeling _sad_ all the time. It really can't be as bad as you seem to think it's going to be."

Leonard admired Barry; he had more guts than Leonard. He had wanted to tell Barry how much he missed him, how much he loved him and how stupid he had been to walk out the way he had done. But then he'd freaked out again. "Barry," he said and was caught off guard momentarily at how strangled he'd sounded.

"You said we needed to talk," Barry rushed out "I assumed this is what we were going to talk about."

Leonard felt his heart race again and his palms start to get warm and sweaty again "Barry," he repeated starting to feel trapped "I… I _was_ going to tell you how _empty_ I feel without you, how I don't know what to do with myself when we're not together, how much I miss you and that I love you, I love you too and I regret not telling you that. I was going to say how stupid I had been to just walk away the way I did, I should've listened to you and handled the… setback a bit better." He said getting it all off his chest in one go to stop the sickening knots that seemed to be taking place in his stomach.

Barry looked pretty shocked at his words "You… why… I hate… what do you mean you _was_ going to tell me?" he asked "that sort of implies that you'd changed your mind."

Leonard didn't like the hurt look on his face "Barry I don't want to subject you to being cast away by your family and friends because of _me_ ," he said "how do you expect this to turn out for us? I'm not worth you being isolated from those closest to you."

Barry wore a slightly outraged look on his face with his mouth forming an 'o' shape momentarily before he was walking towards Leonard quickly, hands grabbing at his jacket and pushing him backwards until he met the wall.

"Don't you say that," Barry said before he connected their lips more violently than Leonard could remember him ever being.

* * *

Oh he was kissing Len… he had pushed Len up against a wall and kissed him. Len was going to be- wait. Len was kissing him back, his hands coming up to rest on either side of Barry's face momentarily before trailing down his chest and resting at his jaw once more. Barry made sure _he_ was the one who stayed in control of the kiss until oxygen became an apparent urgent need.

Len looked the most vulnerable Barry had ever seen him before; he was looking at Barry like he was the world.

"Don't you tell me that you're not worth it," Barry said breathlessly "because you are Len, you are."

"Barry how can this possibly-" Len started to say when Barry moved forward again and connected their lips, he didn't want to hear about all of Len's flimsy reasons about not letting Barry choose what _he_ wants and he very much _wants_ Len.

Barry pulled away resting his forehead against Len's as he breathed softly "Look," he said softly "I know you have doubts about… us. But you're making a decision _for_ me and not _with_ me. I want you Len; I don't want you whenever you think no one is going to catch us. I want you _all_ the time, like a normal couple… or as close to a normal couple we can get." He murmured.

Len looked conflicted.

"I'm not going to put you on the spot about what you want or about what you're thinking," Barry said softly not wanting to shatter the moment "just… just know you can tell me when you're ready for people to know about us. You don't have to take your stuff if you don't want to… I don't mind it being kept here."

Len brought a hand to rest at the back of his neck "What did I do to deserve someone like you?" he asked before pulling Barry in for another kiss before Barry felt Len turning quickly and carefully so Barry was the one trapped between the wall and Len.

"You've always deserved this," Barry said in between kisses "you deserve the world just as much as anyone else Len."

* * *

" _you deserve the world just as much as anyone else_ ,"

Leonard definitely didn't picture himself ending up in Barry's bed (fully clothed!) snuggled up with the other man as they just enjoyed the other's company. Barry's earlier words floating around his mind had him trying to keep a smile at bay. "Thanks for earlier…" Leonard mumbled softly into Barry's shoulder.

Leonard felt Barry shift slightly "What for?" he asked softly, hand lightly squeezing Leonard's for a moment.

"I can get a bit caught up in my head sometimes," Leonard said "I know I can be stuck in my ways and it inflicted misery on you, I'm sorry for that."

Barry turned over so he was facing him "I love you," he said softly and Leonard wondered if his heart would ever stop jumping at those words "and I hated every moment we weren't together. I'm not going to lie I hit rock bottom; I hugged a bottle of vodka one night and slept in crisp crumbs Len. I physically had to change my bed sheets because I was that devastated I cried into a bottle of vodka and a big bag of dorito's." he added with an amused tone.

Leonard didn't want to outwardly laugh at Barry but he couldn't help it "I am sorry I reduced you to that," he said as he ran his hand from Barry's temple to the bottom of his jaw "I will admit to not handling it well myself, I barely functioned. Poor Lisa deserves an award for putting up with my shit." He murmured.

Barry smiled softly "Do you think arranging for the three of us to have dinner at a normal time in the evening at a restaurant in town will make it up to her?" he asked "and me?" he added.

Leonard took in a sharp inhale before scrunching his face slightly "Oh I don't know about that," he said laughing lightly "that might be asking too much of me… but if that's what you want then baby steps right?" he asked.

Barry grinned instantly "Really?" he asked.

Leonard chuckled as he nodded his head "Really," he said "I think I knew deep down that we couldn't carry on sneaking around and it would come out eventually but I wasn't ready to face the wrath of your friends and family just yet. I wanted it to be me and you in our little bubble for a little bit longer." He admitted.

Barry leaned in and connected their lips once more "We'll still have our own little bubble," he said as he pulled away slightly and then leaned in once more to capture Leonard's lips "I know it's not going to be perfect at first but they'll see how happy we are together and how nerdy and adorable you truly are." He added.

"What?" Leonard asked.

Barry grinned softly as he whispered in Leonard's ear "When you wear those glasses," and then added "you look irresistible."

Leonard laughed "Is this your version of dirty talk Barry?" he asked.

"No," Barry chuckled "just an observation I've made."

* * *

Barry was incredibly warm and comfortable and he had an arm slung over him, he didn't want to get up but there was an irritating sound of his phone vibrating against his wooden bed side table and he didn't exactly want Len to be woken up so early because of something as insignificant as his phone going off. He grabbed blindly for it before he finally got a hold of it and pressed the answer button "Hello?" he asked sleepily.

"Bear," Joe said "where are you? It's almost half past ten."

Barry pulled his phone away from his ear to check the time and almost cursed when he saw his alarm hadn't gone off. "My alarm didn't go off!" he exclaimed down the phone as he pulled the covers off "I'll change and be right there! Bye!" he added before slamming the phone down after disconnecting the line.

"What's going on?" Len groaned as he pushed his head into the pillows.

"My alarm didn't go off," Barry said as he got up and one second he was throwing the covers off and the next minute he was falling backwards onto the bedroom floor in a blink of an eye "oww." He added as he lay on his floor looking up at the ceiling wondering what the hell had happened.

"Holy. Shit. Barry." Len said from the bed sounding wide awake and slightly breathless.

Barry sat up slowly when something caught his eye, his hand was _vibrating_. _His hand was vibrating_! He didn't know what to do, how did he stop it?

He looked at Len sat on the bed who was giving him a smug smirk "Oh," Len said "I remember _those_ days." He added.

"How do I stop it!?" Barry asked a little freaked out, he'd heard about his super speed but just assumed that as far as he was concerned he was only going to regain his memories.

"I don't know," Len said "maybe it gets tired and just stops… you really need to see Cisco and Caitlin about this Barry."

Barry looked back at his hand incredulously to see it had stopped vibrating and he looked up at Len again "I didn't just dream that happening did I?" he asked "that… that really happened right?"

Len nodded his head "Welcome back," he said with a grin "Flash." He added before moving down the bed to make a grabby hand at Barry. When Barry complied and met Len at the end of the bed, Len connected their lips.

Barry groaned "I've got to get to work,"

"Would you rather look at a dead body," Len said softly "or would you rather spend an extra forty five minutes in bed with me?" he asked with a wicked gleam in his eye.

Barry connected their lips once more "That's obviously a no brainer," he said.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey patient readers! finally an update! so 3 things:**

 **1- I had bad writers block, I knew _what_ I wanted to write but didn't even know how to go about starting it  
2- I had _SIX_ uni deadlines over the span of 2 months - this made me super stressed and super stretched for a bit of time  
3- After those deadlines were met i was so stressed I made myself ill for a couple of days!**

Thank you all for being so patient with me, I can be really terrible with updating and i've kind of backlogged myself (backlogged? is that the word i don't know) with updates for fics. xoxoxox


	14. i'll tell you my sins

_'i'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife'_

Joe was growing suspicious of Barry being even more regularly late to work, missing a couple family dinners and being touchy about when he could come round for a visit. Iris went through a range of emotions, starting with rage and ending in happiness regarding the whole situation with Len. Cisco and Caitlin were low key hopeful about Barry's speed slowly returning which meant more running on the treadmill and his abs returning. Barry was trying to focus on one person at a time so at work he would deal with Joe and evade any prying questions about what was going on, when he was getting coffee he was with Iris filling her in on the latest and when he was at STAR labs he was being pushed to his limits by Cisco and Caitlin. It was working. Then at the end of the day he would go back to his apartment where Len would have dinner waiting for him. It was working.

Barry walked into STAR labs expecting to find Cisco and Caitlin hunched over a set of results however upon entering he found Cisco idly playing a game on the computer with a lollipop in his mouth "Very productive," he commented amused.

Cisco startled, almost falling out of the chair. "I'll have you know that all results have been finalised and reports have been sent out to the relevant officers," Cisco said sounding indignant "surprising how that happens when only _one_ of you shows up for work on time." He added pointedly as he gestured at the empty room.

Barry looked around once more recognising the missing presence of Caitlin. "Caitlin's not come in yet?" he asked.

"Nope," Cisco said as he popped the 'p' for effect.

At that moment in walked a very slightly dishevelled looking Caitlin who then looked startled upon noticing Cisco and Barry looking at her. "I thought you two would've been busy with the speed test," she admitted looking guilty.

"Oooh is this a walk of shame dear Caitlin Snow?" Cisco asked with a grin.

"That's none of your business," Caitlin replied pointedly before looking at them expectantly "the test…" she added.

"Yup," Barry said "do I really need to just keep running on the treadmill? Can we change the scenery?" he asked. He didn't mind the treadmill but the runway he'd first discovered his speed sounded fun. He knew right now he was between being _fast_ and being _Flash_ fast, it would fizz up inside him and then he'd lose the feeling and end up face planting the treadmill, that was how they had discovered his super-fast healing was still indeed intact.

Caitlin and Cisco shared a look before shrugging slightly "I don't see why it couldn't hurt," Caitlin said "you and Cisco can load up the equipment… I need to do something important."

Barry couldn't help the smile as he pointed to one half of his face "You mean adding eyeliner to the other eye right?" he asked.

Caitlin shot him a look before grabbing her bag off the table and moving out the room.

"She definitely meant finishing her make up," Cisco commented "who only does one half of their face?"

"I can still hear you two!" Caitlin called back.

* * *

Leonard was dare he say it, happy. Things with Barry seemed to be going really well and for the first time in a long time he was starting to feel settled within a relationship. Leonard couldn't even pinpoint the exact time he had been in a long term committed relationship with someone he genuinely _cared_ for. Lisa had noticed the change in his mood immediately and Mick may have noticed but withheld any comments regarding so.

While Leonard had been wrapped in what felt like a big warm bubble with Barry, he'd failed to notice the change in Mick's behaviour until the man had forced his company upon Leonard. "So… how are things?" he asked "I haven't heard of any spontaneous fires breaking out so things with this new woman seem to be looking good right?" he added as he tried to remember when Mick last mentioned about seeing someone. It had been awhile back but there hadn't been any excessive drinking of vodka and eating of ice cream since then.

Mick broke out into a happy smile "We've been together for a couple of months now," he said "She's not wanted to tell anyone yet because she's worried about how her friends will take the news of her dating Heat Wave will go down and I respect that."

Leonard nodded his head as he glanced at the locked kitchen drawer that contained the heist plans he'd been working on for the past couple of weeks, he'd not been able to devote his entire time to it like usual. "I've got a job coming up," Len said before he took a sip from his cup "I'll obviously count you in."

Mick seemed to tense at that which had Leonard forgetting about his coffee and quirking an eyebrow at the man. "Len," he said in a careful tone "I should probably tell you something," he added softly "the woman I'm seeing… she's uh, she's just found out she's pregnant with _my_ child obviously. We've been up half the night sort of freaking out; crying, celebrating and working out how we're gonna do this."

Leonard was stunned into silence for a minute or so. Mick Rory was going to be a father. Mick was turning down a job. Mick was thinking _rationally_. "Oh," Leonard said "uh congratulations are in order then. Mick, you've finally found someone who can tame you, I'm surprised. Who is the lucky girl?" he asked genuinely happy for his friend and slightly curious at who could captivate Mick so much he was willing to change everything.

Mick pulled a face that suggested he was torn between saying and keeping quiet before he exhaled softly "I know you won't let this go any further," he started off "her name is Caitlin. Caitlin Snow."

Leonard choked on his drink mid sip. Usually calm and collected Leonard Snart was so caught off guard he choked on a mouthful of coffee requiring Mick to slap him on the back a couple of times as he coughed quite viciously. "What?" Leonard asked his voice hoarse "Caitlin Snow, as in _the_ Caitlin that works with Barry?"

Mick nodded his head "I know," he said "quite the opposites. But I love her Len and she loves me. I can't afford for a job to go wrong now, not with a child on the way. I want to be there to watch he or she grow and learn. I want to be able to provide for Caitlin with a stable job."

Leonard was in awe. Genuinely.

"I get it," Leonard said "I never thought I'd see the day that Mick Rory was ready to settle down for good but if you're happy then I'm not going to stand in the way."

Mick smiled relieved "I've been dying to tell you since last night when we found out," he admitted "you and Lisa are going to be an uncle and an auntie!"

Leonard looked down at the wooden table as he wondered how he was going to be able to keep this kind of secret from Barry. He was good with keeping information to himself but since being with Barry, he'd found that he _wanted_ to share information that had been confided to him. This was going to be a struggle.

* * *

Barry stepped out of the van in the red Flash suit that Cisco had maintained, the suit was like an extra layer of skin to Barry. It was tight yet oddly comfortable in a way that seemed familiar. It was interesting to know that he didn't feel the cold like he thought he would, he'd have to thank Cisco for being brilliant later.

"This is a step up from that get up you were forced into last time," Caitlin commented.

Cisco clapped him on the back gently "Caitlin will be monitoring your vitals," he said before a frown came over his face "last time Dr Wells monitored your energy output but this time it will be me."

Barry nodded his head before moving into positon "We do recommend being cautious regarding restraining yourself, we wouldn't want you to unintentionally hurt yourself." Caitlin called over to him.

Barry turned his head forward to look at the empty runway ahead of him as he took a deep breath and cleared the thoughts in his head, instead choosing to focus on the fizz of energy he could feel building up inside of him. He didn't need to push it away or try to stifle it, he chose to embrace it. He used it to push himself off and he _felt_ it in the way the air rushed past him and he could feel the speed.

It was freeing actually, to shoot down the runway at such a speed. He couldn't believe this had been inside of him, this amount of power and speed. He'd been warned of the risks, warned of what had happened the previous time. He'd heard what he'd missed out on in the past year but it hadn't fully prepared him to go back to the night he lost his mom. The next thing he knew was his arm was _definitely_ broken and his suit was _wet_.

Seeing Caitlin's face pale upon seeing his wrist and then rush off to vomit had definitely not helped. Cisco scrunched his face up in disgust at both his wrist and the sound of Caitlin bringing up her breakfast.

"I'm sorry," Caitlin apologised as she returned looking a lot more worse for wear than she had this morning "must've been the too many drinks last night. We should get you back to the lab, with your healing once it's been set in place you're looking at a couple of hours before it'll be as good as new."

* * *

Barry lightly swung his legs back and forth as he sat on the medical bed they had set up in the lab while his arm was in a cast "Hey," he said as he answered his phone. Cisco was off entering his findings somewhere and Caitlin had gone to freshen herself up.

"Hey, how was the speed test today?" Leonard asked softly on the other end of the line.

Barry glanced around the room once more "I got my speed back," he said "well, it was always there I guess. It was going well too until I got distracted and broke my wrist."

"I wish I could come and see you," Leonard said sounding concerned "but you're okay though? Your wrist is properly being cared for?" he asked.

"Yes, Caitlin has set it in a cast. It'll only be a couple more hours before it's fine again according to Caitlin. Between you and me, I think I might be able to go out and do a patrol as The Flash tonight. The results look promising and my speed is there." Barry murmured down the phone again casting his gaze around the room once more.

Len exhaled softly "Don't push yourself Barry," he said "listen to Snow and Ramon okay? If they say no then you're coming home and spending the night tucked in with me."

Barry chuckled softly "Okay," he said "I promise I'll text you in a bit about what's going on… maybe you could properly introduce me to Captain Cold tonight if I get the all clear."

"Barry Allen are you actually _encouraging_ crime?" Len asked mocking sounding shocked.

"Don't be ridiculous," Barry replied as he rolled his eyes before he spotted Cisco nearing him "okay got to go now, love you, bye!" he added in a rushed whisper before disconnecting the call.

* * *

Barry wondered if he'd felt this preoccupied the first time he'd discovered his speed because he sure as hell could not maintain his focus at work, the words on the pages seemed to blur together as his mind returned to earlier in the day as he raced down the runway. He remembered the feeling of his heart pounding in his chest, the power fizzing in his fingers and the rush of air past his limbs. Two knocks at his door had him blinking twice and shaking his head slightly.

"Hey Bear," Joe said softly "mind if we talk quick?" he asked as he stepped into Barry's lab.

Barry nodded his head "Yeah," he said "I feel like I've not seen you in ages Joe. Between this and STAR labs I feel like we've barely spoken."

Joe nodded his head in agreement "Between you moving out, working alongside STAR labs and me landing this case I'm close to solving, I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I miss you." Joe said as he crossed his arms over his chest while lightly leaning against Barry's desk.

"How does dinner tomorrow night sound?" Barry asked "I've got something I'd like to tell you anyway."

Joe inclined his head forward slightly with a smile "Sounds like I have plans for tomorrow night then," he said "would this have anything to do about Iris dropping hints about you seeing some guy?" he asked with a knowing smile. Joe knew Barry was bisexual but only if Joe knew _who_ Barry was seeing then there was definitely not going to be a smile. There was going to be shouting and threats. Barry was not looking forward to breaking the news.

Barry lifted his shoulders "That would be it, yes." He said.

Joe clapped a hand on Barry's shoulder "I'm just happy that you're happy Bear," he said "anyway, you can tell me more tomorrow. Today I want to know how the STAR labs tests have been going? Any improvements?" he asked.

Barry could barely contain the grin as he moved to stand up from his chair "I ran _fast_ today," he said.

"You did?" Joe asked.

Barry nodded his head and the next moment Joe had him in a bear hug causing Barry to wince slightly at the twinge of pain in his wrist. The healing had been fast enough for Caitlin to change the cast to something less conspicuous for work.

* * *

Leonard can't believe he's actually doing this but Barry had text him that he'd been given the all clear to do a patrol around the city, he grabbed his blue parka from his wardrobe and whoa, his wardrobe was practically half empty. Most of his clothes lived at Barry's at the moment. He's got his cold gun tucked away and he's pulling his parka hood up before exiting the hideout turned home.

* * *

Barry couldn't believe he'd been missing out on such an incredible feeling as he rushed around the city. "The team is back, the team is back, the team is _baaack_." Cisco sing-songed through the ear-comm.

"I'm hungry," Caitlin said into the mic "when you're on your way back Barry can you bring some takeout preferably Big Belly Burger."

"Sure thing Caitlin," Barry said.

Barry sped past another block within seconds when Caitlin said "So… what time is that going to be roughly?"

There was some murmuring that Barry couldn't pick up on before there was a beeping and Cisco was directing him to where there was trouble. Something simple according to Cisco. Barry wanted to laugh, if Len had actually taken him up on the offer of staging a confrontation between The Flash and Captain Cold then his boyfriend had officially reached new levels of ridiculousness.

Barry had overshot the scene by a couple of blocks, something he had also apparently had trouble with in the past. Barry shrugged it off as he turned sharply to head to the scene. He still couldn't wrap his head around this, hearing about it was one thing but actually experiencing it was another. Car alarms blaring and the odd window smashing.

Upon stumbling to a stop at the scene, Barry could see the error of misreading the situation. It looked very much pretty serious, a meta-human by the looks of it. Barry recognised the meta-human specialist team and stumbling right into the middle of the scene seemed to startle the perpetrator and direct his attention at Barry. He initially looked surprised "Flash," he spat "I supposed it'd be too much to hope you were gone."

"Sorry to disappoint," Barry responded with his signature grin.

The man took a step toward Barry, hands poised in position for _something_. Barry heard Joe shouting orders to prevent whatever affecting him but Barry didn't _see_ Len moving out of the shadows, cold gun in hand and shouting "Barry!" gathering everyone's attention, ice appearing around the man's ankles suddenly.

There's a flurry of movement around Barry as some people move to reach the meta-human and others are stood looking at Captain Cold holding his hands up in a surrendering motion and looking at Barry with something akin to worry in his eyes.

Barry's glancing around him, guns are trained on Len and Joe is looking at him with a confused frown. What happened? Why did Len do that? Barry couldn't let them hurt Len or take him away. Before Barry's thinking anything through he's moving forward and grabbing Len and he's running as fast as he possibly could for a couple of blocks but within seconds they're far enough.

"I'm sorry," Barry said as he stopped bringing them to a halt.

"I... I… what did I do?" Len asked looking at Barry open mouthed and confused "Barry, you don't understand _why did I do that_!?"

Barry cringed at the voices in his hear "Barry… what's going on?"

The whole situation seemed anti-climactic yet different parts of his life was exploding, crashing together. "Len…" he said his voice breaking as he gestured the ear-comm.

Len's grabbing at him and connecting their lips desperately "I couldn't let him," he gasped in-between a kiss "what have you done," he murmured "fuck, what have I done?"

Barry's got a lot to answer to. Len seemed to be in full panic mode at the moment.

"I've got you," Barry said "I've got you."

Len nodded his head as they stayed in the shadows, Barry's head was buzzing with noise.

* * *

 **A/N: I am so overwhelmed by the support from everyone, thank you for filling me with confidence with every chapter and I hope to continue delivering chapters for you lovely readers xoxox  
** **On another note... the Caitlin/Mick bombshell i dropped - would anyone be interested in a prequel (is it a prequel?)/ story of their journey running alongside this?**


	15. it echoes through a vacant room

_'it echoes through a vacant room where a young soul still resides'_

His world was spinning out of control too fast for him to grasp onto anything, his mind going a mile a minute about what he could _do_ or _say_ to make it slow down and go back to the way it was before. Things had been simple before. Hiding in a dark corner of his apartment made everything seem less loud except that he could hear the cars on the street, people shouting and his neighbour faintly shuffling around next door. It was calming though. He counted the orange slits on his floor that were coming in through the half-opened blinds. He counted one, two, three, four, five, and six… no he shook his head lightly as he restarted his count.

"I'm sorry Barry," Len murmured softly, voice just softly breaking the silence between them. He'd been watching Barry from his spot on the couch, both unmoving and silent for hours or maybe it hadn't been hours "I don't know what came over me to… to do that."

Barry wasn't mad at Len, he wasn't. He was mad at himself for many reasons. He'd simultaneously wanted to laugh hysterically and cry. "I'm not mad Len," he said voice scratchy "I'm just… processing. I don't know that the fall out is going to be tomorrow. I'm scared I guess." He admitted.

Len shifted on the couch slightly, space felt needed right now and they both understood that. "I don't know what came over me," Len said more to himself "I saw the meta-human and I saw you, you who are practically inexperienced in using your speed and fighting and I acted before thinking. The only reason we are where we are today is because of your amnesia, if you'd remembered how we'd been last time," he said as he shook his head with a scoff "you never would've given me a second chance. How could I let you walk straight into that? I've done enough damage to the both of us." He added softly, sounding preoccupied in his own mind.

His apartment felt strangely cold. "We'll get through it," Barry said hoping he sounded more certain that he felt "we've got each other this time right?" he asked.

Len was silent as he looked in the direction of the window that held the half open blinds while he looked deep in thought. Len looked troubled and exhausted in the faint light that was pouring in through the window. "I panicked," he said softly "it's been a long time since I've felt like that. In the eyes of the people I work with, I've _helped_ The Flash. Do you know how damaging that single act is to my reputation?" he asked.

Barry fiddled with his sleeve as he let Len's words sink in. "Like you didn't single handily do that to me as well?" he asked without thinking.

"Touché," Len sighed as he let his head drop back slightly "I let my feelings for you dictate how I acted tonight, I've never felt this strongly for someone and I wanted to _protect_ you."

Barry exhaled lightly "I know," he said "you're not the only one to blame here, I run off with the both of us because I didn't want them to take you away. We've both done our fair share of damaging acts tonight."

"We'll face the consequences together," Len said "I promise."

Barry smiled softly "I should thank you for tonight," he said "I got so wrapped up in being fast and being The Flash again that I wanted to live up to everyone else's memory and rush back into helping others."

"The crazy thing is that I'd do it again," Len said sincerely "I'd do it all again for you."

Barry slowly stood up from his position feeling a bit sore in his back from being hunched over in a corner but he felt slightly less apprehensive about what's to come, he's still worried sick but how can he avoid tomorrow when he knows Len will be there right beside him to face it head on too. He'd sped back to STAR labs to change his clothes and grab his phone in less than five seconds to ensure he didn't have to face Cisco and Caitlin immediately. He knew they'd have pressing questions that he wasn't ready to answer. He slowly moved over to the couch to sit beside Len.

"So would I," he said.

"I love you," Len said.

"I love you too," Barry said as he joined their hands.

* * *

The thing about night time is Barry could convince himself that he had more time to himself, more time to go through the events that had occurred and that the inevitable confrontation with Joe tomorrow was still hours away. He could close his eyes and push it to the back of his mind for all of five minutes before scenarios of Joe shouting at him resurfaced. He tossed and turned in bed, couldn't even be comforted by Len's presence beside him. Barry could tell Len had a restless night as well, the other not wanting to disturb the other in case they were on the cusp of sleep.

However as Barry slowly watched the sky lighten from the bedroom window, watching as the sky burst with reds, pinks and purples he knew he was quickly losing that precious time to himself. Barry couldn't avoid Joe forever and he knew the man wouldn't take kindly to Barry dodging his many phone calls.

"If you need me I'm only a phone call away today," Len said from his side of the bed.

Barry looked at the time on his phone before placing it back on the bedside table and letting his head fall back onto the soft pillow "Thanks," he said "if I'm not back this evening then Joe has officially killed me and hidden the body."

"Want me to call it in to the station?" Len asked with a hint of amusement in his voice.

Barry turned his head to look at the man beside him and smiled "Is that your legal way of avenging me?" he asked laughing softly.

"Hm," Len said "I suppose so. I'm going ahead and assuming that if I used my cold gun then you'd somehow come back and haunt me for the rest of my life." He added.

Barry nodded his head "You'd be right there," he said before heaving out a big sigh and adding "I'm gonna go to work early, might through Joe off and let me see what I'm dealing with." He added, he could feel the anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

As Barry pulled on his clothes the thought of him overreacting had crossed his mind but he knew Joe and he knew how he felt about Captain Cold so he definitely was not overreacting. The walk to work wasn't long and Barry slightly regretted moving closer to the station but the thought of living somewhere else while Joe processed last night seemed to be a good stroke of luck. At least Joe had some time to calm down between then and now… well Barry had hoped he'd calmed down. It took Barry a good two minutes to build up the courage to walk into the station, many horrifying scenario's trying to play themselves out in his mind had Barry pausing before mentally shaking himself and pushing ahead into the station and… _nothing_ happened. No outcry from the officers or anything… just a few surprised officers glancing at him and commenting "I've never seen you be _early_ to work Allen,"

He felt on edge during the entire way to his lab and even as he entered the safety of his own work space there was still a niggling feeling of uneasiness. Barry regretted not checking to see if Joe was at work already, he felt jumpy. Almost like Joe was preparing to jump out of any corner. He'd made a point of avoiding looking at any of the newspaper stands he passed.

At first it wasn't easy to concentrate on anything in front of him but after being at work for a good hour or so and no one coming in to grill him about being The Flash or protecting Captain Cold. Joe didn't make an appearance either so Barry's nerves faded but only slightly so.

* * *

Barry's immersed in writing a report on the computer and turning to grab an important sticky note off his board that included an important point he needed to make, Joe standing in the doorway of his lab just watching him had him jolting slightly in surprise.

"I thought I'd let you stew for a bit," Joe said nonchalantly as he walked into the lab after closing the door behind him "because I'd better have a good explanation about what happened last night." He added.

Barry stood up from his chair feeling awkward as he scratched at the back of his neck briefly "About that Joe," he said chuckling nervously "I was going to tell you at dinner tonight remember?" he asked "I said I needed to tell you something about the person I was seeing…"

"You hinted at that," Joe said before falling silent and Barry could pinpoint the exact moment the pieces clicked in his mind "tell me this is a joke Barry, you cannot be _dating_ Snart!" he said.

"I've _wanted_ to tell you," Barry said "I didn't know _how_ to and Len was anxious about how you'd react and Joe-"

"-Len!?" Joe demanded laughing humourlessly "You're lucky the officers of the taskforce last night were so busy focusing on the meta-human, stunned by Snart and confused by him freezing our meta-human that they didn't _hear_ him. It was bloody well lucky Barry because you'd have a lot to be answering for today. I had to spin some story to them that you ran off with him because you probably thought we were the next target." He said in a whisper yell.

Barry couldn't believe his ears, he was in the clear? How… he was _certain_ he'd be answering difficult questions from everyone today.

"Joe, Len was worried about me." Barry said "He didn't like me facing the meta-human after only just finding my speed again. He was looking out for me."

Joe's face seemed to be in a permanent scowl "It's _Snart_ , Barry! Snart! How can you expect me to be okay with that!?" he asked.

Barry sighed as he looked down at the floor "Will you come to dinner tonight?" he asked "I'll answer all of your questions then okay? Just know Joe, Len makes me happy. I love him. You'll eventually come to see that he can be good." He added.

Joe shook his head in disbelief "I can't believe what I'm hearing right now," he muttered "Barry… you _do_ remember the part about Snart being a criminal right?" he asked.

Barry nodded his head "He's been nothing but honest with me Joe," he said "he's not hidden anything from me."

Joe shook his head once more "Will _he_ be there tonight?" he asked venomously.

Barry considered it briefly. "I'll let him know," he said "but I don't think so. He's not going to impose his presence on you if you're not comfortable."

Joe scoffed "How considerate," he said sarcastically before heading out of Barry's lab without giving a definitive answer about dinner tonight. Barry was going to assume it was a yes though, he knew Joe's curiosity would eventually win over.

Barry sat back down in his chair, the report completely forgotten as he exhaled. The talk with Joe could've gone a lot worse he supposed. If he was completely honest then he didn't exactly know what the best case scenario could've been for Joe taking this well. At least no gun threats had been made yet, that could be considered the best possible scenario so far right?

* * *

Leonard had decided it would be best to lay low in Barry's apartment while Barry was at work and then he'd leave before Joe came round, it was the best possible plan he had come up with in such short notice. Lisa hadn't tried to contact him yet so he assumed news hadn't reached her whereas Mick had been calling nonstop.

"What is it Mick?" Leonard asked through a sigh as he answered his phone on the fifth phone call.

"Firstly I appreciate last night must've been hard on you but I had to put up with a cranky pregnant girlfriend because she didn't get that Big Belly Burger she'd asked Barry for," Mick said "and secondly thank you for what you did." He added.

Leonard is starting to lose count of the amount of times Mick had caught him guard "What?" he choked out incredulously. Why would Mick be _thanking_ him?

Mick cleared his throat "Caitlin obviously found out about you and Barry last night and grilled me about what I knew," he said "I didn't give too much away because y'know, it's not my place to tell her but what you did last night showed courage and I think she was inspired by that. I think she wants to finally tell her friends and family about us."

"I wouldn't have exactly put it like that," Leonard muttered "but that's great, I'm happy for you."

Mick exhaled softly down the line "Len I never could have imagined feeling this happy," he admitted "it's weird right, how completely opposite we are and how it just works."

"She's clearly a calming influence over you," Leonard commented idly "it's good you've found that… Hey Mick, can you do me a favour tonight?" he added.

"Anything," Mick said.

Leonard paced back and forth in Barry's apartment "Can you pick me up from Barry's later?" he asked "it's just West is coming round to discuss Barry and I and I don't know how the other guys are going to take to me pulling what I did last night so I'm trying to lay low-"

"-Sure Len," Mick said sincerely "you don't need to explain anything to me. What time?" he asked.

"How's seven?" he asked.

"Seven it is then," Mick said.

* * *

Barry cautiously entered STAR labs; he'd managed to survive talking with Joe so he could definitely survive Caitlin and Cisco (he hoped). The lab was unusually quiet and Barry didn't know whether to take that as a bad sign. He fully entered the main room (as he liked to call it) to see Caitlin sat in a chair staring at a computer screen. "Where's Cisco?" Barry asked slowly.

Caitlin looked up from the screen with a slightly dazed look on her face "Barry!" she exclaimed "I didn't know when we'd see you again after last night…" she added "Cisco's just finalising some results before preparing a report."

Barry nodded his head "I'm really sorry about running off like that last night," he said "I should've explained but I wasn't ready to face the entirety of the situation we'd created."

Caitlin got up from the chair with her hands up slightly as if to stop him "It's okay Barry," she said "Cisco's a bit confused as am I about the whole ordeal but I'm not exactly in a position to judge. Let's go to the break room and we can talk there." She added as she guided him out the main room and down the hallway.

They passed a couple of rooms before they walked into what Barry assumed had been made into a makeshift break room, there was a table with a coffee machine on the side beside that was a fridge and the see-through cupboards held cups and plates. Barry assumed it was pretty much a small kitchen. "Sometimes it's nice to just take a break from all the screens," Caitlin said. She motioned for Barry to sit so he did as he was told and watched as Caitlin prepared them two teas in silence. Her words were playing on his mind a bit.

"What did you mean by not being in a place to judge?" he asked once Caitlin had placed the two steaming cups on the table and had seated herself opposite him.

"Mick Rory," Caitlin said simply "does that name ring a bell to you?" she asked.

Barry knew of Mick as Len's closest friend and work colleague, he knew him by the name of 'Heat Wave' too. "He's a friend of Len's," Barry said "plus the criminal activity they take part in as the duo Captain Cold and Heat Wave. Why?" he asked.

Caitlin looked down at the table "A while back I bumped into him at a bar on a night out and I was pretty drunk, didn't fully realise who he was. Then he checked up on me the day after when I had the hangover from hell, I was pretty emotional and ended up spilling everything about Ronnie. Everything happened so fast but we started seeing each other so what I'm saying is you're not alone in this, I knew how you must've been feeling when we overheard what we did." She explained.

Barry exhaled "Why do I feel it's somehow worse that I'm seeing Leonard Snart?" he asked softly "Joe doesn't understand that Len is a completely different man compared to Captain Cold."

"I don't know why you feel like that," Caitlin said "Mick's known to be a bit out of his mind but he is a genuinely sweet and caring man."

Barry wrapped his hands around the warm cup feeling slightly better "I wish Joe hadn't found out the way he did," he admitted "I had planned on telling him tonight over dinner. I guess I have this silly idea that Joe seeing Len doing something _good_ like he did last night would have maybe swayed him a bit but I think Joe thinks that Len has a hidden agenda or something."

Caitlin smiled at him sympathetically "It'll take time," she said "Joe's a stubborn man but when he sees that you and Leonard are happy together then he might start to see things differently."

"You don't know Joe like I do," Barry sighed "he hates Len and he's going to hate the idea of us together for the rest of his life."

* * *

Barry felt like a weight had been partially lifted off his shoulders after facing today but knowing he wasn't going to be able to spend the whole evening with Len had him feeling slightly down and the fact that he had been held behind at work because of an urgently needed report had soured his mood as it was cutting into his little time he had with Len. As he opened his door he found Len standing at the cooker, peering into a pan.

"What you got cooking?" Barry asked sniffing the delicious smell of food that was lingering in his apartment.

Len turned to look at him and smiled "I thought bolognaise wouldn't be too difficult for you to finish cooking," he said "I've got to go; Mick will be outside any minute waiting to pick me up."

Barry resisted the urge to pout slightly at his words "Okay," he sighed "I'm sorry about work being so demanding."

"It's okay," Len assured him "I'll swing by later tonight when the coast is clear okay?"

Barry smiled "Okay," he said "did you know about Caitlin and Mick?" he asked, the words falling from his lips without thinking.

Len looked at him surprised as he said "Got to go," and placed a quick kiss to his lips "love you, bye!" and proceeded to hurry out of his door as fast as possible. Barry shook his head amused, so Len had knowledge of Mick and Caitlin.

Barry moved over to the cooker and frowned, Len didn't tell him how much longer the food needed. How was he going to know when to dish it up? Would Joe even show up? Shit, is it possible to even _burn_ pasta?

Barry worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he stirred the sauce and the spaghetti and decided he'd give the food five more minutes, why didn't Len give him a time? He prepared the table quickly and got the plates out the cupboard and quickly dished up the dinner. It wouldn't be too hot for when Joe got here then, it would be the perfect temperature to eat without burning his tongue.

He sat in his chair watching as the steam from the food clouded the containers placed over the plates to contain the heat as a sinking feeling settled inside of him, Joe had meant to be here ten minutes ago and there was no text or call for him to suggest if he was even coming. Barry knew he shouldn't get his hopes up when it came to Joe wanting to know Len but it would have been nice for Joe to make an effort. It was a lot to ask, he knew.

A knock at his door had Barry rushing out of his seat and composing himself briefly as to not seem too eager before pulling it open to reveal a sour looking Joe "Didn't think you were going to come," Barry admitted as he allowed Joe to come in.

Joe cast a glance around the apartment as if to seek out whether Len was there or not "I didn't know myself," he said "but I guess I just had to hear this fascinating tale about how Snart got you wrapped around his little finger."

Barry sighed "It's not like that at all Joe," he said "Len risked everything last night because he was worried about me, does that not show you how much he is willing to risk?" he asked.

"He's lucky to have not blown your cover Barry," Joe pointed out as he sat at the table cautiously "how was he going to have explained and helped you out of that difficult predicament?" he questioned.

Barry removed the containers covering their food before he sat down himself "Joe, I'm not going to argue with you about this. I was going to tell you tonight so you heard it from me first. I'm happy, he makes me happy and I'm not going to give in to your cold shoulder like Iris has done in the past. I'm old enough to make my own decisions." He said.

"Excuse me for having your best interests at heart," Joe said "Snart is not a best interest for you, believe me I know. Barry all he's going to do is hurt you in the long run."

"That's your view," Barry said simply "I know right now I'm happy and he cares about me and that's all I need to know right now."

Joe's jaw tensed slightly before he asked "So how did this come about?"

"From the beginning?" Barry asked.

Joe nodded his head "From the beginning," he confirmed.

* * *

 **A/N: :) XOX**


	16. i don't wanna hide this away

_'i don't wanna hide this away'_

Barry kept his gaze trained on the last plate he was drying allowing the silence to wash between them; he'd recounted what he remembered plus more to Joe about him and Len. Joe wasn't thrilled and Barry hadn't expected him to be. "Joe," he said softly as he placed the last plate in the cupboard "I understand if you… if you uh don't want to talk to me after all this but-"

"-Why wouldn't I want talk to you?" Joe asked his tone tight with something, Barry knew he was holding back any further thoughts he had on the matter.

Barry narrowly avoided scoffing at Joe as he turned to lean against the kitchen counter. "From what Iris has told me, I was expecting the cold shoulder to force me to give in and break things off." Barry said as he crossed his arms over his chest lightly.

Joe leaned back in his chair slightly and looked as if he was mentally scrutinizing him for a moment. "I could do that," Joe said lightly "but I learned my lesson when I almost lost Iris. I'm not going to risk losing you too Bear, you've got a strong head on your shoulders." He added before huffing out a short humourless laugh "I know it doesn't always come across like this but I only have yours and Iris's best intentions at heart and I would do any and everything in my power to keep you both safe. Leonard Snart isn't _safe_ , his line of work isn't _safe_ and the people he surrounds himself with are not _safe_. Can you see how I could possibly see this as a breach of your safety?" he asked sounding genuinely worried.

Barry could sadly see where Joe was coming from though, it'd be easier to have his head buried in the sand but unfortunately Barry already knew this and he knew what he was getting himself into. The only positive was the atmosphere in his apartment had gone from tense and uncomfortable to something that doesn't make Barry want to rush out of his apartment and hide somewhere in the city.

He lifted his shoulders up slightly as he sighed "I love him Joe," he said softly "I know what I'm getting myself involved in but he's not as cold and uncaring as he likes to come across as. He's the complete opposite Joe. He really is."

Joe stood up from the chair with a soft exhale "I really wish I could believe that," he said "I really do but I've dealt with him time and time again Barry, I know you don't want to hear any of this but I would urge you to think this through properly." He added before grabbing his jacket and leaving Barry's apartment without as much as a look back. The click of the door had Barry wiping at his eyes softly.

He hadn't realised he'd started crying, he didn't even know why the tears were falling. He as relieved it was finally out, it was like a weight had lifted off his shoulders.

* * *

"You look like you've been crying," Len said softly once he had re-entered the apartment an hour after Joe had left "did it really go down that bad?" he asked gently as he moved to sit on the couch beside Barry, arm immediately wrapping around his shoulders.

Barry smiled up at Len "No, no. It didn't go well at all but there was no shouting involved which is a good thing when dealing with Joe." He said as he cuddled closer into Len before adding "He's obviously not over the moon but I'm just so relieved we don't need to live in this constant fear of him finding out and I don't have to worry that… well, worry that you'll just get up and leave if he ever did catch us."

Len's head bowed down slightly "Not my finest moment," he commented almost sounding bitter "I suppose this means there's nothing stopping us from just acting like a normal couple from now on then." He added softly.

Barry pressed a kiss to Len's temple "No there is not," he said as he tangled their fingers together "look Joe will come around eventually, I'm sure."

"Honestly Barry, whether West likes it or not is none of my concern. You are. I'm happy if you're happy." Len said as he ran a hand through Barry's hair.

Barry couldn't help the grin as he looked at his boyfriend "You really are a big softie," he said before he schooled his face to look serious as he added "will you move in?" he asked, heart suddenly beginning to pound in his chest.

"What?" Len asked looking and sounding shocked.

"It's just you spend so much time here anyway and it just doesn't feel right without you here either," Barry said as he looked down at their joined hands "most of your clothes are already here as well as your shower stuff, you even have some cooking supplies in the cupboard and a stack of Sudoku books on the coffee table and in the bedroom." He added hastily starting to wonder if this was something Len wasn't comfortable with.

Len's features were unreadable for a moment or so before he broke out into a smile "Yes," he said "yes, okay. I'll move in as long as you don't tell anyone about the Sudoku's."

Barry laughed "I really don't think anyone would be surprised," he said "you're obsessed with numbers already as it is."

Len pulled a face "I don't really want to be talking right now," he said before leaning in and kissing Barry briefly "I'm moving in with my partner and would like to celebrate accordingly." He added with a wicked smile before bringing both hands to cradle each side of Barry's face as he connected their lips in a breath-taking kiss as Len lightly pushed Barry backwards on the couch.

"I like that idea," Barry gasped in between kisses.

Len pulled back slightly and huffed "Shut up then," before leaning back down to kiss Barry once more.

* * *

"I'm in the neighbourhood, I could come by." Iris said down the phone a little enthusiastically over the sounds of busy traffic in the background.

Barry huffed out a laugh softly "To visit me or to visit number five? I know you've been eyeing him recently." He said.

Iris made a sound close to offense "I have not!" she said "but it hadn't entirely escaped my attention how _hot_ he is. Forgive me for possibly remembering this differently but wasn't it _you_ who first brought up his attractiveness?" she asked down the phone sounding smug in her rightness.

Barry glanced at Len who had his eyebrows raised at him "That's… not the point," he said quickly "also I'm busy so maybe another night yeah?" he suggested.

"Wait…" Iris said "Len's there isn't he?" she asked.

"That's none of your-" he started to say.

"Are you tw-" Iris interrupted him.

"Goodbye Iris!" Barry said quickly before disconnecting the call and placing his phone on the floor before looking at Len with one of his sweetest smiles "so where were we?" he asked.

Len tapped his fingers on Barry's chest idly as he made out to be deep in thought "Ohhh," he said "right, we were talking about number five." He added with a teasing grin.

Barry shook his head slowly "Nu uh," he said "no we wasn't."

"Oh I think we were," Len said "something about him… oh what was it? Oh yeah! Something about him being attractive and bringing this to light with Iris… does any of that possibly ring a bell?" he asked lightly.

Barry leaned in for a kiss as Len moved so he was just out of reach by a centimetre. Barry exhaled as he caved. "Fine," he said "when we were on our break… I may have bumped into number five once and thought he was alright, nothing to brag about but… c'mon Len. Gimmie a kiss." He whined.

Len shrugged nonchalantly before he leaned in and placed a kiss to Barry's lips. "See," he said "that wasn't so hard. You can find other people attractive, I mean number three is definitely easier on the eye than number five but if that's what you're into…" he added teasingly.

Barry looked at Len with a raised eyebrow "Number three?" he asked "Number _three_ Len!?" he asked with a bit more volume causing Len to wince slightly.

* * *

Barry could fall asleep, it wasn't like he was tired exactly but he was warm and pretty comfortable and probably hadn't consumed enough calories however one of Cisco's homemade bars remedied that pretty quickly even if the new taste was the appalling effect of a very bad combination of two food tastes that should never be put together again. If he leaned back he could just…

"Barry," Caitlin said in surprise "what are you doing here, we weren't expecting you for another… oh, it's half two already?" she asked seeming distracted for a moment before turning a smile at Barry.

Barry sat up straighter in the chair he was currently occupying "You okay Caitlin?" he asked "you seem to be a bit distracted recently."

"I'm fine," Caitlin assured as she sat down in front of a load of computer screens and clicking numerously before a document took up one of the screens "ah." She said softly as she skimmed over it.

Barry felt slightly apprehensive, Cisco hadn't confronted the elephant in the room so to speak which Barry thought was quite unlike Cisco's character so it had Barry feeling slightly on edge around the guy, he'd feel more comfortable with knowing _how_ one of his closest friends and colleagues personally felt about finding out the way he had…

"Sorry," Cisco said around a lolly in his mouth "I just had to rerun some tests and email them over to the detective. So we cranking the speed up today yeah Barry?" he asked idly as he sat in his chair and clicked around on the various screens.

Barry nodded his head "Let's give it a shot," he said "what's the worst that could happen?" he asked out loud instantly regretting those words; something was bound to go wrong now he'd jinxed something.

Cisco gave him an enthusiastic thumb up before leading him to the big treadmill Cisco had put together. Barry loosely rolled his shoulders before stepping onto the treadmill, clearing his mind as best he could and focused on the fizzing energy that he felt run through his veins. Once he felt that familiar thrum run through his veins and tingle in the ends of his fingertips, the sound of the treadmill starting was lost on him. _This_ felt like he'd done it a million times before, it just felt right.

It was like he was in his own little mind bubble once he got going, his legs were on autopilot while and he could think of something mindless like what he needed to get for the next grocery shop, the next shop he'd do with Len because he was moving in. Barry was excited at the prospect of moving forward after months of sneaking behind all of his friend's backs.

There was something niggling at his brain, an itch that can't quite be located and it bothered him. It was something to do with Len… he could feel the memory trying to force it's way to the front of his mind. Barry couldn't fully grasp it until the treadmill slowly gained even more speed and that's when the memory burst in front of his eyes.

" _Damn_ it Red!" Len exclaimed angrily "why couldn't you just leave things alone?" he asked, every inch of him seething with anger. There was distance between them but Len seemed to appear feeling uneasy.

Barry was confused; he'd only been trying to help. "Because I _care_ ," Barry admitted with a tired sigh "I care, alright?" he added for emphasis, running a hand through his hair "I know this isn't… I know this can't go anywhere but I care about you. A lot."

Len looked like he'd been physically struck with Barry's words. "What?" he asked sounding horrified.

Barry looked up at the dark night sky so he didn't have to look at Len's emotions playing across his face so openly. "How do you think I'd feel if you got hurt or worse?" he asked softly.

"Relieved!" Len scoffed "Captain Cold would be out of the picture then."

Barry shook his head "You don't get it," he said "and that's okay."

"Barry you can't…" Len said sounding lost for a moment and after a beat of silence he continued "You shouldn't get so invested in something that only started because I was casing you out." his voice cold.

Barry looked at Len properly, searching his eyes for something. Looking for that smirk telling him Len was just trying to push him away. He didn't find it. Instead he found the cold hard truth.

"Barry!" Cisco's voice snapped him out of the memory, the ghost of an ache still settling in his chest. "You zoned out there," he said "I'm gonna turn the speed up a bit more, this will be the fastest you've gone since regaining your speed." He added.

* * *

Barry closed the apartment door behind him to walk into the place smelling of lasagne. Barry dropped his gym bag by the front door and walked toward the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe quietly as he watched Len appear to be in his own little world as he hummed to himself quietly as he chopped cucumber.

"The only thing missing is you wearing an apron," Barry commented.

Len looked up as if he hadn't been disturbed at all "In your dreams," he said with a wicked smile.

Barry chuckled as he crossed his arms over his chest "Hmm maybe," he said.

Len placed the chopped cucumber in a bowl as he glanced over at Barry once more "You okay?" he asked softly.

He nodded his head "Yeah," he sighed "I'm just tired. Cisco had me running faster today."

"How was it?" Len asked absently as he focused on chopping tomatoes next.

"Interesting," Barry said "I was running when I remembered our first break up, and then I come in here and see you all domestic and I think of how lucky I am."

Len paused what he was doing, before placing the knife on the side as he looked at Barry apprehensively. "Lucky?" he asked sounding unsure of the whole situation.

Barry nodded his head as he stepped into the room, moving closer towards Len. "Yes," he said "Look at us now, we're building a life together instead of mistrusting each other." He added as he wrapped his arms loosely around Len's neck "I love you," he murmured softly before pecking the other man's lips.

Len smiled "I love you too," he said.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **So firstly I would like to apologise for the _really_ long wait  & the update being somewhat short. From early Feb I've had to deal with a personal home issue which hadn't put me in the mood to write much. **

**Secondly I also apologise if any of yous were reading my B99 fic or my Emmerdale fic but I couldn't handle 3 fics on the go and truthfully had no motivation to continue writing them.**

 **Lastly, thank you all for your kind reviews it really means a lot to know that you enjoy reading Coldflash's journey.  
Anyone watching DC Legends of Tomorrow?! I started it today and had tingles from watching Len (my love for Wentworth Miller is unreal). **

**Anyway I hope you've all had good days or will have a good day :)**

 **xoxox**


End file.
